Diary of 100 Internet Dates with a Difference

Mr Wedding Guest

2010-02-12T13:21:00.000-08:00

40 years old; divorced but amicably; IT entrepreneur; ex-Harrier Pilot; intelligent; sensible; intense; considered and controlled; emotionally removed, probably due to Harrier Pilot School training!!! This is the Elite darlings!!!

The Date
High risk...high reward goes the saying. So I found myself in a predicament. I am going to a wedding tomorrow and my best girlfriend who was accompanying me is unwell. I have made the emergency booty calls to my other girlfriends who have plans. Crisis - do I go alone - singleton alert to a wedding. I don't think I can face the stigma of it. So I log on and I fire out a handful of emails to unsuspecting gents aka potential wedding guests. It's short notice, there's no time to meet beforehand, it's potentially crazy and could be really uncomfortable if we don't hit it off but it's exciting and it's clearly essential as I cannot go solo, I am wedding guest plus one. So I send this: -

Welsh Wedding Date Tomorrow
Are you normal? Free tomorrow?

Pre-qualifying questions
1. Do you have a decent suit?
2. Mens shoes are important to me...school boy or clown shoes not cool.
3. Can you hold your own in social situations?
4. Can you dance? (not side stepping dad dancing!)
5. Can you tolerate a day with a high majority of very Welsh people?
6. Any history of mental illness, psychotic tendencies? (bonus points will be awarded for individuality!)
7. What's in the boot of your car?
8. Alcoholics, drug addicts and chain smokers need not apply.
9. Are you spontaneous enough to accompany me to a wedding tomorrow for a blind date with a difference!

Mr Wedding Guest's Email
I'm off to iron a shirt....

The Date
Mr Wedding Guest calls me at 9am. We are both giggling. He sounds nice and I tell him this is a crazy idea. He tells me as long as I don't mind him coming as his alter-ego Margaret (who only comes out at weekends!) then we should be fine. He says he has a great frock and killer heels for the party! Momentarily I freeze and it dawns on me just how crazy this idea is. I could be faced with a cross dressing wedding guest with a hairy chest, Adams apple and calves like a race horse. Hey what's the worse that could happen? Anyhoo, too late Mr Wedding Guest picks me up at 10am. He is actually quite good looking, trendy but not trying too hard. Salt n pepper hair, slightly dishevelled, designer jeans, battered leather jacket, sunglasses. I get in and off we go. He hands me the map. We both burst out laughing. Two strangers trapped in the car on a road trip to a wedding - it's just bonkers. Mr Wedding Guest has stopped off on route and grabbed a mini pack lunch for us both. I'm quite touched. He's even made us a Margarita cocktail in a flask to drink once we get nearer to the venue! I don't drink any of it but the gesture has not gone unnoticed. On the way to the wedding we literally do a 'This is your life' overview for each other. This is like speed dating but on the motorway!!! We laugh alot I notice and I think we are going to have a blast. We check in to the hotel. Awkwardness sets in. Yes we are staying in the same room and yet we only met 3 hours ago! Mr Wedding Guest suggests leaving me to it so I can pamper and get ready in privacy. I phone him once I'm ready and he quickly suits and boots up and we are ready to face the wedding party as another happy couple!!!

We hit the bar and find a corner and a couple of double Bombay Sapphires and Tonics!!! Conversation is still flowing well and we have a buzz about us. We sit at the back of the civil ceremony and giggle a bit at the hilarity of our secret situation. Once formalities are over, we approach the bride and groom. Mr Wedding Guest puts his foot in it for first time today. The groom has a birth mark over his eye and Mr Wedding Guest asks if he got that bruiser on the stag do. I manage to ease his clown shoe out of his mouth and make our excuses and hit the bar once more!

At the wedding breakfast a couple ask how we met....I pipe up that he's my Gynaecologist...there's a pause where the guests are waiting for me to say only joking but I don't. Mr Wedding Guest gives them all a knowing look, pops an olive his mouth and sucks his finger! It's a hoot. Mr Wedding Guest is perfect...he should be rented out. We head for the dance floor and boy do we rock! Mr Wedding Guest swipes my fascinator and cuts some manly shapes with feathers in his hair. We are battered by the time we crawl back to our room. We wake up top to toe still clothed and bloody hungover. We stumble down to a full English and hair of the dog, Bloody Mary's. What a riot. We'll definitely see each other again and on the drive home, Mr Wedding Guest says he will find it hard to out do my first date! Well after all these dates I suppose I am the expert!

Sick Boy!

2009-11-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

37 years old; 6ft 2in; never been married; no kids-want kinds; spiritual; MD; occasional smoker; regular drinker

Sick Boy's Profile

Looking for a special attractive lady to love, cherish & adore. Would like to travel to exotic places & have a lot of fun along the way...

I think in this section being totally open & honest is the only way to find the 'perfect' match...I'm 37 & have had a great life so far, have organised events for up to 40, 000 people, travelled to some of the World's most exotic beautiful places, sold millions of albums globally & raised millions of £££'s for some of the UK's leading charities. Due to the nature of my work I started out being very 'me me' if that makes sense - little bit selfish really - this was refelcted in the calibre of my girlfriends - mostly models & looking back on it just 'trophies' that I never really loved deeply anymore then they loved me I guess. 7 years ago I met the lady I thought I thought would be my lifetime soulmate if that doesn't sound too profound - a perfect combination of beauty on the inside & outside. We lived together for many years - yet - unfortunately, found out that that she been having sexual 'relations' with a female work colleague - quite a sexy thought maybe - but the reality was that it was all behind my back & sadly the trust had simply gone. Without trust I guess there's nothing without sounding morbid hey. She moved out around that time & it's fair to say this has been very much a soul-searching year for me. Having gone from one relationship to another for many years I finally got to know me & be at peace with my own company - something which I had never done before. I feel I'm ready to start dating again, do have very high standards & know it's unlikely that I'll meet the cool foxy lady of my dreams on a dating site - but it worked for a really close friend so what's the harm in trying hey. I'm pretty outgoing I guess, some say attractive/sexy - (don't take a good picture though) - but I can't really say that about myself with sounding conceited which I'm certainly not. Would like to take things really easy & just see if we make each other happy...If I'm making sense then would love to hear from you, be happy, peace!

The Date

Sick Boy suggested meeting at a Spanish Tapas restaurant for drinks and dinner. Unusually we didn't exchange a flurry of emails, any texts or even a phone call. His photos were attractive...Sick Boy in a swimming pool abroad, Sick Boy's face highlighted in purple and Sick Boy's landscaped garden and tastefully decorated living room?! As an aside, why do men put images on their profiles of the interior of their homes, offices, art works, motorbikes, cars, chopped photos of them with ex partners or the lingering tiny hand of a child...it always puts me off, but hey, clearly not quite enough not to take up Sick Boy's offer of Spanish Tapas for 2....

I arrive at the restaurant feeling very mixed, half hearted, I suppose, about this date. So as I begin to walk up to the restaurant frontage, I scan the bar for Sick Boy...the restaurant area is pretty busy with couples, friends, families and I can not spot any single men awaiting my arrival...just as I am about to hightail it back to the taxi rank, I get eye contact with Sick Boy, he is sitting in the very corner of the bar, glass of red in hand and gives me the nod that it is he! I feel quite edgy, he does not look like his photos...not in a totally bad way...just very different to the image I had built up in my mind. Definately alot thinner and older. Anyhoo in for a penny in for a pound it's too late to bail, particularly in these heels. So in I go. What really takes me by surprise is how nervous Sick Boy seems. I mean, having read his profile, he seems very confident and successful and self assured. Well we're at that utterly awkward introduction stage where you really have no idea what the other person is thinking and whether he's pleasantly surprised or terribly disappointed by my persona. As this is racing through my mind, I am also trying to take in his first impressions on me. Attractive face, tall....I see beads round his neck, but it's more to do with his nervous disposition and the fact that he's clearly had a few riojas! To be honest, as I sit on the bar stool and order a glass of red to join him, my initial thoughts are this is not a flyer and we are not gunna hit it off. Sick Boy launches into how he's only been on the internet dating website 10 days (everyone seems to say this...we're all new to it..NOT! See you at the annual reunion Sick Boy et al!) Sick Boy compliments me on my profile...this has happened a fair bit, I guess as I don't site DVDs and bottles of wine as my major hobbies and that my life is the greatest of all, it makes my profile stand out from the rest! Very quickly Sick Boy is telling me about his ex partner, who used to paint amazing nudes of women on canvas - she's the one from the profile, who ran off with her best female friend and is now 'tipping the velvet' full time. I quite like his candidacy but I also can't help feeling dubious about the story, let's go back a few dates to Mr Adulterer his Mrs was bi-sexual so the story went...anyhoo I am all ears and I re-assure Sick Boy that he's not alone. We move to our table, which thankfully is next to the bar and away from the masses, ideal for first date conversation. Sick Boy and I order. Calamari, olives, king prawns and a salad to share. We are now 2 glasses of rioja down and Sick Boy decides white wine would be good with the meal. He then tells me that he's had 'bad guts' for the past few days...mmm....he does look as if he is in a slightly cold sweat and I ask him if he feels ok. He says absolutely....and canes another glass of wine. The food comes and we have both relaxed into a fun and interesting conversation about work, previous relationships, likes and dislikes. Sick Boy suddenly says he needs to get some air...internet dating etiquette radar raises the alarm within - is he now bailing leaving me with the bill and the embarrassment of Tapas Tango gone wrong...hey ho I think as I see Sick Boy do a 'pink panther...de da...da de....da de da de da de da de daaaaaa de de de de! past the window....what happens next is a new one on me. I see Sick Boy hunched over the fire exit door at the side of the restaurant, vomitting....the reason I know he is vomitting is a pool of you know what is now trickling past the window where I am sitting looking at garlic mayonnaise and battered calamari. Mmm not the only ingredient 'battered' on this date me thinks! The restaurant doors swing open and Sick Boy returns, no mention of the 'incident', telling me he feels a whole lot better and shall we get another round of drinks!!! I can't stop myself so I ask him..."have you just been sick?" "Erm yes he replies, so sorry I have a really bad stomach upset". Sexy Sick Boy...he then tells me he needs a mint and stumbles to the bar to ask for one. At this point 2 waiters go outside under the instruction of the loudly spoken bar manager to clear up the mess! Jesus. For whatever reason, which escapes me now, I agree to head off to a cocktail bar for last orders with Sick Boy who decides Amaretto is the answer to lining his 'bad guts' I suggest that a milkshake may be more appropriate and an early night, for him only! He tells me I'm one cool lady...I must be I'm still here and as we part company on the taxi rank and Sick Boy leans in for a kiss....I manage to out wit him and fall into the back seat....as far as I remember he never did have that mint and I know the sayng goes you gotta kiss alot of frogs to find your prince but I draw the line at Sick breath...Sick Boy! Still searching....and who knows for how long!

A Stranger Gave Me Flowers Today...

2009-11-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

Imagine this...I'm stepping out on my lunch break from work, my hands are full and I'm a woman on a mission, elbows at 90 degree angles, heading to the post office, for an all important mailing session. I have just managed to light, albeit clumsily, the much needed Marlborough Menthal to get me through the lunch hour rush in town. All I know is I'm half way through my day job and I'll soon be gleefully driving home with another day in the office done. Out of nowhere comes the said Stranger, who thrusts a bunch of lillies in green flower stall wrapper in my face! Wow! I stop. He bumbles on to tell me that he has seen me a few times and just had to do this today or he would never do it! I am flabberghasted! And in true idiot style I say "Good for you...how cool is it to give a stranger flowers...and more people should do this...blah blah-dee blah!" He then pushes a torn off piece of paper into my hand and tells me his name is Phil and that he would REALLY like to take me out. This is the stuff movies are made of, right? I mean, ok let's take a raincheck here. He is pushing 40, slightly receding, smart casual, harmless looking. At this stage I am feeling totally elated! What a fantastic thing to do to make someones day....I am now babbling, I introduce myself and ask if he works locally. 'No' is the Strangers response he works from home, but his grandmother lives in town - all very sweet I think. There's an awkward pause and thank him again for being so spontaneous and nice. I walk off in the direction of the masses and the mailing station commonly known as a frigging undoubtedly rammed post office and he heads in the other direction. I am beaming..expecting all my passers by to now realise that I just got given flowers by a stranger. This is like an old fashioned musical should I pirouette around the lampost or go legs akimbo over the taxs on the rank? Erm no....just keep walking, try not to set the lillies on fire with the Marlborough Menthal.

Fast Forward 2 days....

It's Friday morning, I am in the office...thanking fuck it is Friday and I am facing 2 whole days away from the brain drain misery - yipee! The phone rings...I pick up...a male voice says Hi it's Phil. My mind races....Phil...any clients that I'm on first name terms with, called Phil - erm NO. Then the icy discomfort flows over me. Phil is the Stranger with the flowers. He apologises for calling me in work. But all I can think is, all my mind is consumed with is, is how does Phil know where I work? My mind races back to that conversation on the street and I am certain that my workplace was not discussed or disclosed.....I feel awkward, intruded upon and I just want to get off the phone. He asks me if he could take me out for lunch today. I stutter and stumble and bascially make my excuses that I have plans, which i dont, I will be mainly freezing my tits off, eating a soggy sandwich in the park, but hey. And as I place the receiver down I feel incredibly uneasy.

Mr Male Escort

2009-10-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

34 years old; 6ft 1; Italian; dark; handsome; suave; a professional!!!

I'm an actor, model and ex-dancer, very confident with a great sense of humour. I have a passion for photography and am also an expert in Indian massage and yoga.

I'm well educated and well travelled with a wide range of interests and am comfortable holding a conversation with anyone and am always considerate towards other people.

Mr Male Escort's photos were very appealing! Think Mickey Rourke in 9 and half weeks, jet black hair, white shirt, black and white image, athletic and muscular...similar to internet dating shots, I wondered what he would look like in the non air brushed light back in the real world?

The Rendezvous!

Not exactly a date, but a rendezvous arranged over the internet no less, with a gentleman who is essentially, himself for hire! I have often had lengthly debates about the male psyche and the engagement of prostitutes or high class escorts. My theory stands that men who hire women in this capacity do so for power reasons "hire and fire" they pay they play! And although I don't like the commodisation of a liaison like this, I do understand why men do it, or at least I think I do. And let's face it, the sex industry is big business, even in this recession, the pink pound is peaking! The boundaries are set from the outset there's none of the games and he gets want he wants sex, the girlfriend experience, company, to be intimate with a gorgeous girl, to do the raunchy or kinky things that maybe his wife, girlfriend isn't in to or simply to feel good, accepted, less lonely, less frustrated.

So I call Mr Male Escort and leave a message. He promptly calls me back. His voice has an Italian lilt, deep and sexy. I feel very nervous, silly and wonder if he thinks I'm some desperate housewife or a real minger!!! I mean, I tell you, paying for sex or company, oh par-lease? I tell him I would like to book him for 1 hour for cocktails. We agree all the details, he is very business like and professional, with a flirty, re-assuring edge. Mr Male Escort tells me I have a sexy voice and that he is looking forward to meeting me and getting to know me better. Yikes! I just want to talk is that 'pc' in male escort circles?

I arrive at the cocktail bar early and sink a margherita...I feel extremely nervous. I have dressed up, heels, black skirt, blouse and a raincoat...I actually feel a bit like an escort myself which is bonkers! I start to wonder if the bar staff will know! Mr Male Escort walks in...he is very tall...very dark...very handsome and suave...suave..suave! He does look like his photos. Bingo! He is wearing a pinstripe suit...black shirt...shiny black shoes...he looks good...but he also has a ruck sack with him...it doesn't compliment this otherwise stylish outfit and I can't help wondering what on earth is in it!!!??? Sex toys? Massage oil? An array of outfits..a uniform..a fireman...leathers??? Strange!

Mr Male Escort looks over at me, I raise my eye brows and grin in a very uncool, 'golden retriever finding a ball kind of wet grin sort of way', yes it's me I'm the booking!!! He kisses me on both cheeks in a way that appears like we already know each other. This guy is good. I offer to get him a drink and he calmly tells me to stay put and he will of course organise drinks at the bar. Funny really I'm paying but he is acting the gentlemen! He returns I now feel hideously silly!I feel as though I need to explain myself to him, as to why I would need or want to book a male escort. Clearly I cannot divulge it's for research or that I'm a blogging queen! So I tell him that I'm single and it's the first time I've done this and I fancied finding out more about it! I want to know more about him. Why a good looking, articulate, intelligent and young guy is doing this for a living.

Mr Male Escort tells me he is an aspiring actor, a former dancer and escorting makes ends meet and then some for the time being. He has a niche of regular rich clients, not to mention a handful or maybe just over a handful of couples that he "servicies" from time to time. Fascinating stuff I'm mesmerised by his tales. He tells me about one couple in particular who are very rich and have a boat in Southampton...Mr Male Escort attends parties on this boat and basically the husband enjoys watching Mr Male Escort with his wife!!! What's that about???

I think we've established that I just fancy a good natter and I hope I am making it clear that extra services off the male escort menu are not on the horizon.

Mr Male Escort has not raised the issue of payment and I am unsure of when and how this should be done, discreetly no less. We finish our drinks and Mr Male Escort suggests we head on for dinner...I get a bit a caught up in the moment, and before I know it we are sat in an Indian restaurant sharing a curry! How bizarre! He is great company and I feel relaxed and I am enjoying our conversations which span a wide range of subjects. Literature, travel, theatre, politics...Mr Male Escort has got it covered!

The bill comes and I pay it obviously and reality hits me about the situation. And I think it's time for me to depart this date before the rucksack is revealed!!! Mr Male Escort tells me he would like to see me again and not in this capacity. Funny really...we hit it off well and beneath the tales and trysts of his colourful life is a guy who like all of us probably just wants to find somone special, get his acting career off the ground and be done with the massages by the hour!

In the taxi home, I giggle to myself, I feel like this date should remain my secret. I feel like a child that has been a little biut naughty and hopes she won't get caught! I can see why men do this. It's thrilling...exciting...straightforward and you are made to feel amazing, providing you can pay! Mr Male Escort never did ask me for his hourly rate, maybe he just wanted a mate. Still searching but increasingly unsure if the internet is the answer, maybe I should order a pizza and see if the delivery guy does it for me??? Extra pepperoni anyone!

Fuck or Marry?

2009-10-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague today and she said to me "there are some men you fuck and some men you marry - it's a simple as that." Her comment took me by surprise as she sat there 8 months pregnant, blooming and glowing and the irony of her statement hung in the air, like the elephant in the room, the comment not her I hasten to add! She said quite blatantly men adopt this theory...women that are shaggable and women that are marriage material and why in hell shouldn't we do the same.

It got me thinking though...my ex husband was definitely in the "fuck" category and I obviously made the mistake and married him as well! The boyfriend before him, who I was engaged to, so I nearly nailed it, was cetainly of the men you marry camp. But why do women have to settle for the more sensible, stable, solvent man as our "happy ever after" and leave the white knuckle ride of your life in the fantasy bank? Maybe I'm better off staying single? She seemed so sure of her theory, that there are the men you want to fuck and the men you should marry and it's as cut and dry as that, that I had to explore this concept.

She told me her husband is not her normal type of man...shorter, less handsome, more laid back and socially well rounded but never going to set the room alight with charisma or charm, and very unemotional. But practical, reliable and her best friend.

Now my parents have been together for over 40 years, they met on a factory floor in 1962 and my mother says she saw my father and it was a thunderbolt moment. He says the same. Four children later, four grandchildren later than that and hey many bumps in the long road along the way, they are still really in love. I guess I aspire to that thunderbolt, fairytale, besotted, intoxicating, overwhelming, all consuming desire, lust, love, laughter with your soul mate? Isn't that the REAL DEAL? It's funny this internet dating because it encourages one to categorise, tick boxes...smoker/non smoker...joker...non joker...drinker...non drinker...thinker..non thinker...fitty? fatty? divorced? debauched? rich man..poor man...beggar man..thief? I mean what is the answer...how do I find Mr Right? Can he be found on a questionnaire? What ever happened to eyes meeting across a crowded room and BANG! Falling head first into Hook, line and sinker love? Romantism...passion...excitement...anticipation...and the longing and the connection...togetherness...soulmate. You know the thing, some people say they just knew the second they met their partner. Others are growers...at first meeting there can be a total dislike or perhaps indifference and then slowly potential peeps over the fence and says he's a Mr Maybe! The romantic in me really hopes and dreams for the thunderbolt but as the dates continue maybe I need to listen to the very pregnant and very fabulous friend who has it sussed...and I need to determine which of men I date are the fuck and run and more importantly which ones I am supposed to marry...still searching and under a new category called BORING BLOKE!!!

Mr BAFTA

2009-09-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

40 years old; 6ft 1in; tall; dark; handsome-ish; film and tv lighting executive; resides in Cheshire countryside (WAG central); claims to be a millionaire !

Mr BAFTA's Profile

For me banter type conversation with a blend of chemistry is a massive turn on! Being spontaneous & adventurous. I love to laugh & make other people laugh. I have a sensitive empathetic side to me and love to help others. A kind, charismatic, emotionally intelligent, fun loving girl, with a wicked sense of humour, is my ideal. (not asking much!) I don't care if I meet her at the bus stop or on a laptop, it's the chemistry which counts. I do warn you. I am passionate, slim and outrageous. I am more than happy to reply to sane messages. I am here to date and find a great girl and not spend all my days emailing back and forth!

Mr BAFTA's Emails
Mr BAFTA contacted me, with the specific request of a scheduled call! I obliged...intrigued with the potentially refreshing and direct approach (Mr Cerealman is proof enough that endless emails and even telephone banter does not provide fruity foreplay for a fun date). So 56 minutes later Mr BAFTA has invited me to his house for dinner this evening. Get this he is sending a chauffeur driven car to pick me up! Excitement and anticipation of a red carpet arrival at a gated mansion in the Cheshire countryside whetted my appetite to waterfall levels - the reality was a water feature that a failing executive would have on his desk!!!

The Date
Gerry, the driver is outside, holding the rear passenger door open for me. As I sit back on the leather seat and select a DVD to pass the time, I am wondering if this one could be it! Mr Right?

Mr BAFTA had instructed me that I was to tell the driver that I was I going for an audition to be a "singing nun" in the Sound of Music. I can't sing and I'm no nun, but curiosity breeds brilliance and How do you solve a problem like Maria? lalalala!

Picture this, turning down a winding country lane I'm expecting the electric gates any second. We pull up to what I imagine to be the gate house and then Gio's words bring me crashing back down to earth we've arrived. As he reverses the car into the narrow driveway that is barely big enough for one car. Dreams of being driven up a sweeping gravel driveway and then swept right off my feet are SHATTERED as I step out of the car and 2 steps to the cottage (note not mansion) front, and only, door!!! Mr BAFTA greets me with an air kiss on both cheeks, Gio is dismissed and the date begins. I try to hide my disappointment of no East or West wing or Butler...

Mr BAFTA has clearly had a few beers prior to my arrival, he pours me a large glass of very cheap plonk and all I can focus on is the fact that there is no table and chairs in this relatively spacious kitchen in their place is a vile looking cross trainer!!! My attention is then drawn to the flashing red, yellow, blue and green lighting that creates a disco dance floor effect with a blue aga! The grand (or should that be not so grand) tour came next.

Mr BAFTA seemed proud to divert my gaze to the garden and his hot tub! Next is a snug area with a well-lit Rrolf Harris naked woman canvas. A copy. Mr BAFTA claims to have an £80K original, but he doesn't hang it in his house for security reasons, I ask him what's the point of having it then? He tells me his pension is 20 cases of vintage red wine held in a cellar in London. Hey if it's anything like this paint stripper, I'm drinking, old age is gunna hit him hard! We move on.

Mr BAFTA's lounge is full of framed photographs of Mr BAFTA. Mr BAFTA, clutching a BAFTA with various television personalities. It suddenly dawns on me that there is one thing missing, the BAFTA itself. Surely if you have been successful enough to win a BAFTA, such a prestigious award, it would take pride of place on the mantelpiece? How silly of me, for security reasons, it must be with the wine and the Rrolf Harris. I wonder if photoshop has anything to do with this little ensemble.

Back in the kitchen Mr BAFTA serves up some nibbles. He takes a serrated knife from the block and sprays it with Mr Sheen, wipes it with kitchen roll and gives me a sinister stare. This isn't funny, it's weird. I'm glad I've arranged a get away car for later! I ask Mr BAFTA why he is internet ating and what's more, why me? Surely he must surrunded by WAGS and glamorous women to date. He laughs and tells me he's been through all of them in the area. He then asks me if my friends would think I was a slapper to rock up to his house! Mr BAFTA knows how to shower a girl with compliments. Mr BAFTA calls me "babe" continually...I tell him I don't like it. Slapper...Pig...what next?

Dinner is served! Mr BAFTA has a oyster white round marble dining room table with at least 8 chairs. 7 of which are still in the plastic covers! How bizarre. 1 chair is uncovered and this is Mr BAFTA's chair. I'm getting a feeling that this is where Hannibal Lecter could sit. Anyway it's irrelevant as Mr BAFTA and me are dining on our laps, complete with a re-run of only Fools and Horses! Visions of luxury, romance and being woo-ed, wined and dined are out the window! I'm now looking forward to going home! You can't buy style, taste or class, BAFTA or no BAFTA!

Mr BAFTA returns from the kitchen, with a costume change into shorts and a T shirt? What the feck? The shorts I notice as he sprawls out on his sofa, while I am sat on the floor at his feet, hierarchy check?! have a hole in the crotch area. Oh dear.....oh dear! i tell him, he doesn't seem particularly concerned and it's not surprising as what he does next is rather alarming. Mr BAFTA, who is clearly worse for wear, pulls his shorts down and shows me his penis and says "What do I think of that?" He grabs my hair and tries to kiss me. I dodge him and right on cue there is a knock at the door.

Mr BAFTA is surprised my driver found his house, me too, blink and you'll miss this one...anyhoo relief reigns as I clamber into the get away car and leave what could have become the Cheshire Chainsaw Massacre to it. There's a thought...perhaps he'll upgrade to an Oscar with that perfomance! Still searching....

Mr Voiceover

2009-09-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

Mr Voiceover contacted me telling me how brilliant my profile was.

We exchanged emails, witty banter and arranged to hook up. Being a creative, quirky, intelligent, mildly eccentric character, I felt excited that me and Mr Voiceover would hit it off.

We did. We spent 5 hours together....laughing...story telling...

I felt so at ease in his company and was enjoying myself a little too much that I made the FATAL mistake of telling him about this blog!

He was very shocked-surprised...and said he would be jealous for me to continue on dates if we were to see each other again. He also said he knew there was a catch, that I was too good to be true. He also said that at times on our date I had made his stomach turn over.

I explained to Mr Voiceover that I am genuinely single and searching for the fairytale, for Mr Right. The blog has been a creative interest. I also told him that it is harmless observational humour.

He read some of my posts and told me that it was very rare for him to laugh out loud and that he found my writing to be witty and that the concept was genuis. I re-assured him that I wouldn't write about him because I liked him. He initially said not to write about him and then he changed his mind and wanted me to write about our date.

So when I emailed him the following morning, to thank him for dinner and suss out if he would like to meet up again I was totally flabbergasted by his response.

He told me in no uncertain terms NOT to write about him, his profile, our date. He also told me that he didn't have the balls at the time to tell me what he really thought about the blog and that I should at least be offering sex to these guys on dates so not to waste their time. How insulting?

I emailed him back to tell him how offensive I found his email and that I wish he'd had the bottle to tell me what he really thought on the evening as opposed to spending 5 hours with me, buying me drinks and dinner and telling me how cute (I hate the word cute by the way, cute is for cats, and I hate cats) and intelligent I am and that it's been so long since he has laughed with someone he finds attractive.

Mr Voiceover at this point obviously became even more angry (alpha male, big ego, having an intelligent, articulate woman standing up to him....) as he threatened to inform the website about my creative writing. Now I figured he was throwing his toys out of his cot and this was a veiled threat, but clearly communications had totally broken down between us. Shame. I really did like him, his company and thought we'd had a great 1st date. But he is clearly a Jekyll and Hyde character and very unpredictable. I wished him well for finding love and with his business ideas. Live and let live and all that jazz.

Anyhoo, the moral of the story is keep my cards close to my chest and keep my men at arms length.

Mr Voiceover had my profile pulled from the dating site. He's not bitter or twisted, eh?

It's funny because upon checking the terms and conditions, if you lie about your details then the same thing happens and Mr Voiceover, you're not 39 years old, are you, you're 40 and clearly in a midlife crisis about admitting it. What's more you're launching your own dating website (his car is logo-ed to the hilt) so surely you are utilising this website for research purposes? Didn't you tell me you were also on the site, under a female guise to attract men for your own site? Where's that complaints contact number again??? Tit for tat...plenty more sharks in the sea!

Still searching....lesson learned!

Mr Driver

2009-09-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

So on a way to a date this week, my taxi driver aka Mr Driver and yours truly hit it off. We chatted away en route. I'm the kind of passenger that likes to be up beat and bubbly whilst sat on the back seat of, in this case, a very luxurious leather interiored Silver merc. I appreciate that any driver must get bored to tears with the same old questions....Are you busy today? Working late? How long have you been doing this? Blah blah blah. Turn this on it's head and think about hairdressers...how many times have I wanted to grab those scissors and commit an injury right there centre stage dans le salon with the monotone questioning of "going anywhere nice on holiday this year?" "Do you live in *****?" "Is it your day off work?" When I go to the hairdressers...of which I do, as it just so happens, every 3 months (roots darling!) I do not want to talk at all...I just want to read all the free magazines, relax and for the hairdresser to focus completely on my barnet and give me the much needed make over. So back on the back seat with Mr Driver I tell him I'm on an internet date with a total stranger. He is amazed that I am single and wants to know more about the internet dating experience.

Just as an aside why the fuck is everyone so amazed that I am single? If it is that unfathomable...why am I still single? It seems there is still that stigma that single equals psycho or single equals issues or single equals bunny boiler. Single may just mean selective! Single could well mean happy in oneself. Single means self sufficient (ok I'm pushing it there...HSBC will vouch for that one!!! And the lady at the local garage who gives me the knowing look of debt desperation when I rock in to procure blue £100,000 scratchcards and always promise her if I win I'll be back to give her £££!! Anyhoo, back to that back seat...I tell him I've been on 40+ dates and give him a witty snap shot of some of the weird, wild and wonderful liaisons to date. We are having quite a laugh me and Mr Driver...he maintains a lingering eye contact in the rear view mirror I notice and I can only really see his eyes which are warm and friendly. Anyway as the journey comes to an end Mr Driver tells me that I look really nice...a compliment. He also says that he would love to take me out on a date. Whaaaaaaaaaat? I have a date on the way to a date...new one on me. Still searching as objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are...oh yes Meatloaf!

Mr Menage a Trois

2009-09-01T05:14:00.001-07:00

39 years old; single, separated; black hair; blue eyes; 6ft; executive management; twist is in the profile!

Mr Menage a Trois Profile

....I have a busy lifestyle working hard but playing harder! I'm friendly, outgoing and thrive on new challenges, experiencing new cultures and places is a passion. I'm not looking for anything serious but a partner to try new experiences and likes the idea of the Katy Perry song. So someone open, trustworthy and likes having fun and exploring! Three or Two heads are better than ONE!!!

"I kissed a girl and I liked it the taste of her cherry chapstick...just to try it hope my boyfriend don't mind it...."

Erm....No Date
Why would a man blatantly search for a 3-some on an internet dating site? Surely there are appropriate online platforms for such demands and desires? And what's more, why does my profile and photos attract such requests? Do I look bi-sexual? Do I look like a good time girl who is happy to double up with Debbie Does Dallas on Date One? Does my well penned profile suggest table for the 3? It obviously does, in the eyes and mind of Mr Menage a trois...who contacted me asking when we could arrange such a night! Hey I have some great girlfriends, who I love dearly and I am very tactile (ladies you know who you are!!!) and yes we have shared stories, laughter, tears, love, my bed, breakfast, lunch and dinner...but we have not shared our cherry chapsticks, oh no! The thing is, a guy like Mr Menage a trois leads me to the following conclusions:-

1. He has a very small penis, is impotent and 2 woman would be ideal distraction!
2. He is looking for a slut, make that 2...
3. He is arrogant, greedy and one woman is not enough for him.
4. This is his fantasy (you know I want Brad Pitt to break into my house in the middle of the night and rape me...but if he was on the internet, I don't think I would request that in my first email to him)
4. He has had a sheltered sex life, because at 39 years old, living in the City, if you still haven't had a 3-some then there is something wrong with you (see points 1,2, 3 and 4).
5. He is not for me!

I sent Mr Menage a trois the link to killing kittens...(hey Mr Bastard your information came in very handy and I am spreading the word!) But it's hard enough to find Mr Right amongst this cyber sea of sharks and I accept the competition, but I don't need to date it! Double standards still exist, feminists beware, because I'm certain Mr Menage a trois wouldn't accommodate my request for a for 3-some, me, him and Jim? Now there's a thought? Thrice as nice, eh! I'm all for adventure and pushing the boundaries but if you're starting out this way...there's nowhere to go surely? Still searching and not for a sandwich...just a subtle start would help!

Mr Author

2009-08-31T23:37:00.000-07:00

50 year old; single writer; several books published and 1 on the way! Blonde hair (looks grey on the photos?) green eyes; 5ft 11; never drinks; non-smoker; unusual profile...

Mr Author's Profile
Well known handsome author seeks muse...
I am happy to send you my photos by email once we have chatted and I know you are genuine. I am a writer (modern novels) and travel widely doing my research. I am looking for a tall slim attractive companion, able to travel, who is interested in writing and in literature and who would like coming to publishing and media parties with me. All applications will be considered including from the U. S. You will be gorgeous and sexy and sophisticated and able to hold your own in all situations and with every kind of person. I am single and I am looking for a fun and inspirational relationship which will benefit both of us. You must have a U. K. Or U. S. Passport and be fluent in English and live in or near London (or Miami). This is a fab offer. If you cannot be bothered to persuade me, I cannot be bothered to reply. After an initial chat, I would expect to meet you in central London. Nobody worthwhile has either the time or the inclination for a cyber relationship.

My Email to Mr Author
Subject: A Picture Tells...
A thousand words and the right words paint the perfect picture.
Please check out my profile, I love creative writing and the arts and would relish the opportunity to meet you to discuss your "fab offer!"
Photos welcomed at *************
Mr Author's Email
I like your profile. Photos on their way.
My Response
Hey *********
Photos received and approved (!!!) So what next...to meet or not meet, that is the question and how is the competition looking, have you met many applicants or am I the best? Rhetorical question old chap...
Mr Author's Email
Obviously the next step is to meet for tea/coffee or an early evening drink...nothing too long/heavy in case we don't find chemistry together! The "competition" is strange! Those with the 'wow" factor in looks turn out to have zero conversation or intelligence or, most commonly, reliability (!) and those who are bright and fun just don't make the heart beat faster! To give you an example, I had a lunch date yesterday at 1pm and at 25 past one the date rang me to say that she had only just woken up and could be with me by 4pm! How could I rely upon such a person to turn up at the airport or at a public reception! And we had not met, only exchanged photos, so it cannot have been that she did not like me! I suspect you are finding the same with men...the handsome, fun and "wow" men are players and unreliable and the reliable and friendly ones are not cool! Anyway, let's meet. Send me a text and we can make a date next week?

The Date
Or should I say interview....assessment day....chemistry checker!!! Here goes...

I left my Husband on Halloween...

2009-08-29T00:05:00.001-07:00

I left my husband on Halloween...very apt on reflection, although I didn't need a broomstick...I had been unhappy for some time, at least a year...and the initial niggling doubt over our future and the state of our destructive relationship had grown and blossomed into an overwhelming feeling that I had to extricate myself from the relationship. Cinders about to turn into pumpkin as the clock struck midnight moment.

He was never going to leave me, why would he, he did what he wanted, when he wanted and had his cake and boy did he eat it. I tried everything sitting at the kitchen table for the "talk", offers of compromise, the tears, the silent treatment, I smashed a few plates, tore up some of our photos, until there was no-where else to go. No matter what I did or didn't do there was little or no reaction from him. He was emotionally closed, cold and distant and I was becoming increasingly needy, clingy and child-like and I hated it, I felt vulnerable and unstable. He wasn't going to change. He wasn't going to stop taking cocaine and drinking alot. He had made it crystal clear that he didn't want children with me or anyone and I guess I realised I was living with a rebellious Irish teenager. A great guy to go prop up the bar with for a raucious night on the town but not marriage material. Hindsight smacking me in the face! Hindsight explains the injury that foresight would have prevented...now you tell me!!!

What's the saying? Live with wolves - learn to howl. And I was Mrs Werewolf let me tell you, full moon, half moon, honeymoon, button moon!!! I mean I didn't have a hairy chest or back (still don't for that matter, wax lyrical baby!) but I could scrap in the pack with the best of them - survival instincts kicked in. I was an inner Mrs Werewolf...the inner strength and determination was growing and growing...

The turning point came when I caught a reflection of myself in a shop mirror, I froze and paced back for a second glance, as I did not recognise the woman staring back at me. She looked attractive, sophisticated and a sorted 30-something, but it was her eyes. Those chestnut eyes were sad and empty and they'd lost their spark and shine. I felt tears well up in that shop that day. On the outside I hid it well but deep down inside me I was totally lost, lacking in confidence, self esteem, I felt trapped, lonely, oh so very hideously lonely and disappointed. My marriage did not look like other peoples. My life did not look like I wanted it to. I had moulded myself around my husband in some ways. I'd even nicknamed him Georgie, as in George Best, which we laughed about in the early years. Georgie the character though, grew larger than life and lost it's humour for me, bender after bender and I craved Captain Sensible to rock up and rescue me!

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" (George Best)

There were times I felt I couldn't change him, so I joined him, acted just like him, joined his gang just to try to feel part of something, connected, wanted. But those nights that went on until the sun came up didn't make me happy. I was kidding myself, tricking myself into believing we were having a great time, and I was always on the perimeter, the understudy and after thought as Georgie was the leading man.

The frustration that built up over a year before I left was pouring out of me. I knew I had to leave but I wasn't clear how to execute the plan. Not until Halloween of all days. I love Halloween. I love the pumpkins..the candles...the costumes...and I threw a party to celebrate! And then I was gone...puff....and I never ever went back. No trick...no treat...I was serious...scared but serious.

Between friends, family and of course the infamous dates, I really enjoy my own company now and I have developed interests, creative interests that lay dormant before. Gosh I was existing, but I wasn't really living and I wasn't me. Me had disappeared....and now she's back...and she's alive and kicking!!! All singing...all dancing...all dating!

I now know what I don't want from a man - I hope that I would spot it a mile off, the addictive personality, the wild streak that can never be tamed, the charm, the manipulative tendencies, the all or nothing whirlwind that captivated me and made me feel the most important girl alive and hopelessly in love. And then just hopeless!

That is how it started, I fell hook, line, sinker and then some for my ex husband. He rocked my world and I couldn't believe he wanted me. I fancied him, I liked him, I loved him, I adored him. I remember telling him I wanted to eat his face, the desire was so strong that we almost couldn't get close enough. But what should have been a passionate wild affair...infatuation even...should not have been one year later walking down the aisle to Norah Jones Come Away With Me. And for five years we tried, well we tried and then we stopped trying and we ripped it and each other apart slowly, unravelled and destroyed it all.

I went out with my ex-husband when I was at college for a couple of months. We always remembered each other because we had sex in a Cathedral. Notorious, eh! We had sex together in the silent prayer chapel whilst a carol service was going on in 1993. He was the popular, good looking maverick at college. He bagged all the girls, he was gregarious, fun, mad and everyone wanted a piece of him. He wore a canary yellow overcoat for goodness sake. He wanted to be noticed and he was. When he asked me out for a coffee I couldn't believe he was interested in me. And he wasn't for long, a few more liaisons after our stint with the church and that was it. So when through friendsreunited he got back in touch 10 years later it was like a bolt out of the blue. I was transported back to the ditsy, insecure teenager that drooled over him on the college bus. I cried my heart out when he dumped me all those years ago. I remember playing Beverley Craven "You're playing love scenes without me and she's got my role" in my bedroom at full blast, blarting into the pillow with adolescent, hormonal and irrational thoughts of not being able to go on another day.

We arranged to meet up in Harvey Nicks for old times sake. He walked in, pin stripe suit, same blue eyes, black hair, dashing good looks, he looked like a movie star to me and within an hour we were rubbing noses, holding hands and I was giggling like a teenager. Within one month I'd called off my engagement (to a very stable, solvent, sensible man, I regrettably broke his heart and ego, blinded by love, lust, rose coloured teenage spectacles, who knows) and we had moved in together. For the next year we were totally obsessed and engrossed in one another and I really believed I had found it. True love that would last a life time. We didn't even have a television because he told me he never wanted to be one of those couples who were ruled by a box in the corner of room with nothing to say each other. We listened to music, read books to each other, drank red wine, sat by the roaring fire, played board games and we talked about everything and anything and had alot of great sex! He had an ability, at that time, to make even the simplest of events so special. I was besotted.

Experts say falling in love is like a mental illness, a sickness and it was...I felt sick to be away from him and even when I first left on Halloween the months that ensued were heart breaking, gut wrenching. I missed him...no, I missed what I wanted him to be so badly. I remember feeling so sad that we wouldn't be growing old together, we weren't going to embark on the wonderous journey of having children and in time grand children. I had failed.

You can't change people.

A leopard can't change it's spots and a tiger can't change it's stripes...one can't change one's essential nature, particularly negative characteristics.

Still searching for second time around hook, line and sinker love and laughter but not with Mr Trick...only Mr Treats may apply for this once in a lifetime job!!!

Mr Funny Photo

2009-08-28T04:39:00.001-07:00

44 year old; never married; young son; 5ft 7in; bald; blue eyes; best feature butt (apparently!); creative; quirky; runs his own business.

Mr Funny Photo's Email

I opened my inbox, and an image of a geeky teacher from the 1970s was staring back at me....ugly, NHS glasses; basin style hair cut; bad skin and just a totally and utterly unattractive man. My initial response was to hit delete and not even read the email, as I just thought weirdo alert. However as I clicked through the other photos which were of Mr Funny Photo's torso and at work I felt intrigued and once I'd read his email I responded.

Dear Madam

I wish to apply for the position advertised.

I am hard working and clean living. I have City and Guilds in usage of the washing machine, the iron and a NVQ of usage of the vacuum cleaner level 2, hence further training is not required. I have been told that I can iron creases so sharp if I fell over I could cut the grass.

My previous employers have fully trained me in opening doors; application of aftershave; showering regularly; closing the toilet seat and bed making. I feel these and other skills make me a prime candidate for the job advertised.

Don’t let the year of manufacture put you off, it runs like a machine at least 20 years younger and external input of illicit substances is not required as I run on “high” most of the time. I work out at least 3 times per week and therefore can take the riggers of all and any jobs that my new employer suggests dealing with stress easily.
I work extremely well as part of a two-person team but equally I can work as part of a group or happily can be left on my own.
My loyalty to my new employer is beyond question even if a few of my past employers have struggled with this facet.
I have acquired a sense of humour from the University of Life which is based in the Midlands at which I studied “gallows humour” and passed out with a 2;1 Master’s degree.
My alcohol consumption is quite low and infrequent, the problem being my temperament when under the influence. I tend to end up sans clothing, running up the street singing "I’m Merlin the happy pig" and can often be found clinging to the top of lamp-posts, so any potential employer is required to be aware of this factory fault.
Apart from this I own my own house, motorbike, dog and all of my teeth, I also have a part ownership in a “mini-me” he will be five in December. I am of course solvent thus requiring, no input of finances from any future employer.

Please give advice if an interview place is forth coming.

PS The geography supply teacher picture is required to be looked at with a large pinch of salt

Thanking you in advance.

My Response

Subject: Interview

Congratulations your application has been successful and you, ***** have been selected for 1st stage interview with THE BOSS!

1st interview - full details to follow

Date - ******* are you spontaneous, enough?

Venue - ********

RSVP Limited places, actually only 1 place available!

The Date

Coming Soon!!!

Mr A-Z?

2009-08-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

What do you get if you cross a single, sassy, sexy, sensual, sophisticated...did I mention SINGLE...woman with a Chinese takeaway, a glass of Sauvignon Blanc or 2, an i-pod producing fine tunes for superb candlelit supper and a glossy laptop screen?

Answer - too much takeaway and not enough testosterone on a Tuesday eve!

You know what, it's just dawned on me, as I sit here alone in my cottage, that this internet dating lark, whilst at times tremendous fun and full of adventure, mystery, madness, mayhem, drama, occasional disappointment and more often pure pleasure and excitement - it's not for real.

Internet Dating Is Not REAL! FACT.

If I felt unwell tonight...Mr X-Y-Z is not on hand to hold my hair back as I vomit into the toilet, is he? Who will mop my brow as weep childishly (which I do whenever I am sick, because I find it totally traumatic to do an impression of a lunatic donkey and re-visit last year's steak (oh that's an enema isn't it, wrong end same feelings of abuse) not to mention yesterday's salmon en croute).

Anyhoo, Mr A-B-C is not about to rush out to get me Lemsips or make up a hot water bottle for my shivering body and put me to bed. Nor will Mr A-B or Mr C for that matter be here in the morning...making me a cuppa and telling me I look and sound so much better. (Please note, I look great in the mornings!)

Equally Mr D-E or F isn't here for me to tell him about my day in the office or otherwise...the highs..the lows...the mediocre of midweek routine life. And I am unable to listen to his, because he is either telling his wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, therapist, or no-one. Maybe I'm pissed off and need to vent..maybe I'm elated and need to express euphoria. But without a sounding board...an avid listener..what's the point?

Mr G-H-L haven't just rocked up to talk about the future...our future...from this weekend and which friends we will be sharing our time with to next year when we will strive to achieve together our hopes and dreams. Our next holiday....our next house move...our first or next child...what wallpaper we like and shall we landscape our garden, Tescos online or shall we try Sainsburys? New, mash or roast potatoes this eve?

It's not my Birthday today as it happens, so please don't feel bad that you forgot, but if it was, Mr M-N-O won't know. I am almost invisible really, a super hero...a First Date Superhero to all the men in the alphabet or cyberspace. I've been bought flowers, dinners, drinks, hotels, shoes, gifts galore, had wild and wonderful experiences and memories that have been breathtaking but on the one day of the year that I want to feel even more special than I do generally (Positive Mental Attitude people) and share with someone special - I am currently still single.

Where were we...Mr P-Q-R, right what else...well, what I'm starting to think is internet dating is really superficial, shallow, sometimes silly...it's like speed dating but lasts a little bit longer, most of the time. (You know who you are Mr Under 3 minutes!!!) So quick I didn't get chance to blog him!!!

Mr S-T-U say no more, but if you can't be good...be careful..is what my mother always told me.

So that leaves Mr V (maybe a Virgin and coming soon no doubt!!! He's a sure thang!) and Mr W (already blogged)....and that's just 26 alphabet dates...

What I will say is internet dating is addictive...and the more dating you do the more you want...the more comfortable and familiar it becomes to meet a total stranger, it's intoxicating, you get to know each other or not as the case may be in one rendezvous and then you decide hit or miss or maybe...or Snog, Marry or Avoid? Mmm..I'd term it Snog, Shag or Scarper!
Fun, Fuck or Run....it has all the attractions of an affair...it's new, exciting, you can be anyone you want to be really...you don't have to see this stranger ever again..so why worry. But the ties that bind and bond a friendship...relationship are missing if you are a serial internet dater! It's momentary...

Still searching...still with a Jo-ker smile!!! Schwing...

PS Mr Batman and Mr Robin coming soon on a blog near youhoo!

Mr CerealMan

2009-08-25T04:55:00.000-07:00

48 year old; self employed businessman; 6ft; dark short hair, few extra pounds; glasses; average looking with an intellectual edge potentially; never drinks; non smoker.

Mr CerealMan's Profile
If you know what you want contact me, if you don't, don't.
If you DO NOT have a picture on here, a sense of humour or you are here to play games hit the back button now! Remember ladies always read the entire label before discarding. Whilst the manufacturer's try to ensure this model reaches you in perfect condition, no responsibility can be taken for blemishes, faults, scratches etc once the goods have been taken home & removed from their packaging. It is therefore vital to observe the goods thoroughly prior to purchase. Only try this product if, you are single & want to be wanted. It has been known that this particular brand may cause laughter & cheerfulness in extreme cases could instigate love & affection, these are perfectly normal symptoms and should not discourage you from treatment. Storage: this product takes care of its own storage; however shared storage can be more enjoyable. What to do if you feel unwell: consider communication & trust. Dietary advice: This product reacts well to Indian, Thai, Italian, French, Chinese & English foods. Miscellaneous information: In most cases this product works well when treated with respect and is quite happy in a retail environment it is also suited to cinema, dance floors (frequently) theatres, pubs, restaurants, it may also may be taken with wine and a DVD in a domestic situation. This product enjoys motor transport with emphasis on vehicles manufactured at the factory in Crewe. If you wish for further information regarding this product then please reply to the customer service's dep't. Who will endeavor to deal with your request at their earliest convenience, recent photographic evidence would be appreciated when accompanying your request. Please note: The manufacturers must stress that this product does not play mind games. If this is your intention please go to the local park & play with other manufacturers balls! BTW - if you don't like being contacted by older guys, why not put an age limit?

Mr CerealMan's email
So if I paddle upstream on my tandem, will you be my pillion? xx
My Response
Hey CerealMan Are you snap, crackle and pop or do you turn the milk brown?!!Or are you simply...gggrrreeeeaaaat! Pillion indeed...although sometimes I like to be in control of the destination and certainly the journey so I will...if you will. Next question?
Mr CerealMan
..... your phone number please? OK I'm straight to the point, if we met in a bar or at the freezer counter in Tesco's would we write notes or actually talk?? x PS & simply...gggrrreeeeaaaat!

The Telephone Call
Mr CerealMan calls me. Leaves an upbeat message. He sounds totally different, in a good way, to what I was expecting. What was I expecting? Hey after all these dates, I always expect the unexpected. I don't know an arrogant perv...a dull desperado...a proposition...a genuine Geezer? I do the polite thang and call him back. I'm in a field and he it turns out is on a farm. 46 minutes later we're still talking. He's frank (not by name, but by nature) open, honest (it seems), he has a nice voice I find myself thinking, it doesn't fit his photo tho. Anyhoo...46 minutes later I've learnt this:-
1. He isn't 48 - he's 53 yrs old and for reasons I've heard before from other 50+ internet dating demographics they fear the fall out from the loop from many search criteria seeking sub fifty fillies. I now wonder how many 38-39 somethings I've dated who are more likely to be in their early 40's and so on with the 48-49 year olds...actually what difference does it make...it's not about age...it's about connection..the exception to this rule lies in Mr Posh Pensioner's post!

2. Voice is very important. Think Alan Carr...think Sean Connery...think Mariella Frostrup...think Cheryl Cole...think David Beckham...Mr CerealMan has a great voice.

3. A flowing or in this case an over-flowing conversation is positive potential for a great date. Mr CerealMan and me have covered a myriad of subjects...his marriage and mine...his sons...his dating experiences...his jiving abilities...his Bentley (racing green...cream leather interior)...his ex-girlfriend's alcoholism...his ability to put away alot of gin every now and again, how the main thing he misses is waking up with a woman and making her a cup of tea and the idle chit chat that starts your day when you're in coupledom.

4. Mr Cerealman has a dog called "Barking!"

5. Mr CerealMan is intriguing. Interesting.

The Date
Lunch. As I am walking towards what seems to be Mr CerealMan I notice two things...he is wearing cream chinos with a tie and he looks different from his photos, in a bad way! Older, fatter, stranger! We greet...he looks enthused and I try to hide my disappointment - I do not fancy this guy, I don't want to rip his clothes off and my theory that a great voice correlates with a positive date is horse shit! At the same time, I don't want to hurt his feelings. So we grab a table outside, I am babbling to hide my anxiety. I don't really want a drink, I just want to go home. Luckily the place is empty, as we look a total mismatch. He tells me that my photos don't do me justice and I look even better in the flesh! I thank him, feeling quite uncomfortable as I cannot return the compliment. He isvery tactile, and kisses my hand which makes me squirm. He has massive, slightly scarred hands, he works in agriculture, his nails are chewed and dirty. Normally I love a guy with big, manly hands, make that, veiny manly hands, oh yes, they do it for me, but not these ones! Big veiny man hands give me the horn, actually so do manly arms and back as well. So back to the fashion statement...cream chinos...blue shirt...pink tie and a black holdall, worn over the shoulder, he looks like a ticket collector. He says "ask me anything!" I really am unusually lost for words, as I have nothing further to enquire about or clarify. We make small talk, I crack a few jokes, he touches my arm, hand, knee and then gets up and grips me in a bear hug telling me he's awfully tactile, he is tactile and it is awful! I make my excuses and pop to the ladies...in the mirror I am asking myself "how the feck am I going to get out of here asap!" as I walk back outside towards, Mr CerealMan has a camcorder and he is filming me!!! I raise my handbag over my face and ask him what he is doing...how weird is this? I ask him why he has brought his camcorder to our first date. And then he freaks me out. He says he messed alot of moments and memories up in his life, and he wanted to record our date, as, if his intuition is right, and he thinks we will be living together by Christmas, he wants a record of our first meeting. I am now quite concerned as this guy is not joking around. I tell him I'm finding his behaviour rather strange and it's making me uncomfortable. He says he's sorry and goes in to pay for the drinks. At this point I feel no remorse for getting up and high tailing it out of there and heading home. As I'm walking away, Mr CerealMan catches up with me with a Sainsburys carrier bag...I tell him he's freaked me out with the filming and I'm going home. He hands me the carrier bag and in it is a BLUE delphinium plant and 2 tiny BLUE pot plants. I feel bad. I say I can't accept them. He insists. As I head home clutching my shopping bag with the blue flowers peering out over the handles, I think how vital it is to meet up with your date...as positive and funny emails, texts, lengthtly phone calls, even web cam convos are not foreplay to mind blowing date experience and what's more my profile is not looking for Jeremy Beadle and this is not candid camera, £250 or otherwise and for that reason, I am still searching...and for someone sane!!!

Mr Welly, Mr Wacky

2009-08-22T04:08:00.000-07:00

36 years old; tall; dark; handsome; Jean Christophe Novelli meets Pierce Brosnon meets Hugh Grant meets Joe Pasquale coming through a hedge sideways in gale force winds; Sales and Marketing Events Director; quirky; fun; bright; well travelled. Alpha Romeo driver.
The Date
Mr Welly, Mr Wacky has a dog called Wilfy. He has a plummy accent and is a little excitable on the telephone. He also has a hilarious high pitched laugh...which is like Joe Pasquale. We were meant to hook up last night for a drink but Mr Welly, Mr Wacky was 35 minutes late and thinking I'd been stood up and messed around I high tailed it home for a block of Dairy Milk to console my feelings of rejection. Turns out Mr Welly, Mr Wacky got stuck in traffic and emailed me via the internet dating site, which I only read once I'd got home! So we re-schedule for lunch. Mr Welly, Mr Wacky is good looking, he also has mild Asperger's syndrome it seems. He looks at me on arrival and says "mmm you're actually very nice" somewhat surprised it seems! He admits that he has a terrible social habit of saying exactly what he is thinking and out loud and bearing in mind I have only been in his company for 5 minutes and the word vagina has already left his lips I guess he's not joking! He does a hilarious impression of someone with sexual tourettes and screams chicken mid conversation and how he drove to the date with his finger up his arse, which at the time was actually quite funny. I am giggling as this is the kind of date with a difference you want. A total extrovert, unconventional and borderline insane! With Mr Welly, Mr Wacky what you see is what you get and he doesn't take himself, life or this date too seriously. Mr Welly, Mr Wacky is the type of dinner party guest you invite to get the party going but you don't want to be sat next him all night, unless you like talking about your vagina!!! He reminds me that we first made contact with each other back in April, but have failed to hook up, mainly due to his mad travel schedule. He attends all the events for his company and tells me about his products, a leather wellington being a top seller. I tell him I'm a hunter welly wearer, pale blue ones at that. He tells me his dream would be to work in the circus. He also informs me he is a posh pykey! His clients call him Sir as they hand him £250 for a pair of deck shoes! I sense that Mr Welly, Mr Wacky has come on this date just as he's back in the area between events. He admits that his travel schedule hinders his ability to build a relationship and also that he feels this internet dating lark is addictive and creates a "grass is greener" mentality. I ask him to expand on this. He says, you know, you log on, you email, you meet, you like, you log on, you email another, and meet another and like another and so on, another log on...and another and another. I wryly smile as in my pursuits of love, laughter, lasting a lifetime and Mr A-Z I agree with him. What does it take for 2 people to click and decide there is no need for anymore searching, reading profiles, looking a photos, emailing, meeting, what does it take for 2 people to think I've searched enough and this is who I want. This is the one for me. Temptation over. And how difficult it must be for both people to feel the same, at the same time. Goodness me, still searching and who knows for how long...because I know this I will not be settling for anything other than the fairytale...or is that just fiction?

Mr Bastard

2009-08-21T06:21:00.001-07:00

35 year old; good looking; City slicker; rich; confident; charismatic; cultured; intelligent; a seducer; highly sexed; highly paid; womaniser; love them and leave them; never drinks; non smoker, anti-drugs; sex is the vice!
The Date
Mr Bastard arrives in his blue convertible porsche carrera. He wheel spins into the gravel driveway of the 5 star hotel where we have dinner reservations in the Michelin star restaurant. He is tanned, dreamy blue eyes hidden behind expensive shades, designer suited and booted and looks on top of the world. He greets me with a kiss on both cheeks. A smooth operator. He heads back to the motor, as he claims he's forgotten something. A pop of the boot and a beautiful cream "Edward Goodyear" gift bag is revealed, brimming with blue delphiniums, cream roses and blue thistles. Wow...a man who knows how to buy flowers, designer flowers at that. He tells me he thought the thistles were fitting for my frosty exterior! He has no idea! What was it a guy said about me recently...oh yes, I'm a velvet fist in an iron glove. We sit in the sunshine, I have a kir royale and Mr Bastard has a pineapple juice. Mr Bastard doesn't drink. Hey he doesn't need to, he is high on life...his life! He tells me in no uncertain terms that he is a bastard through and through. All women fall in love with him and he has to shake them off and move onto the next challenge. He's been stalked and is debauched. He's had 3-somes, made his own porn movies at home and dabbled in S+M. I joke that I hope he's left his harness at home or will he be mainly dining on a satsuma for dinner! He tells me about Killing Kittens....elite sex parties for affluent and influential movers and shakers in the city looking for thrills. He tells me they are held in private houses and the rules are wearing a mask, like a masquerade ball. Is he trying to shock me, seduce me or scare me I wonder. None of which is working!!! The waitress brings the menus and asks what name the booking is under, Mr Bastard says "Jones" I pipe up and say I'm "Smith", we're Smith and Jones!!! Cliche! The waitress clocks my flowers and asks if we are celebrating....yes Mr Bastard says...it's our anniversary I excitedly exclaim and my birthday...she wishes me many happy returns and congratulations on our anniversary! Me and Mr Bastard are giggling like idiots...he's a bit of a hoot actually, for a BARSTEWARD! I like the fact that he's straight talking, no claiming to be looking for Miss Right for happy ever after....just looking for thrills and adventure. He suggests to save wasting time on reading the never ending Michelin star menus...we should go for the 10 course taster menu! Great. Decisive, authoritative and manly, and well suited to Mr Bastard for whom variety is clearly the spice of his life. He selects Pink Sancerre from the bible that is the wine list for me. We chit chat some more...he has some funny stories and is very engaging and entertaining. We head for our table, although the waitress tries to guide my enormous bouquet of designer flowers onto reception, I insist on keeping them with me. The restaurant is very formal...and old! Stuffy, stifled, white table cloths, our table resembles a a car boot sale wall paper pasting table flogging cutlery, crockery and glassware...jez and as they place taster course 1 of 10 in front on me and explain in a heavy German accent what it is I'm about to sample of which I am still clueless about, it looks like raspberry sorbet but is actually puree iced beetroot!!!...I look at Mr Bastard and say "where's the salad...but that's the fork I knew!" He laughs...he gets it the Pretty Woman reference. A couple behind us are eavesdropping...as we are loudly laughing and cavorting and having fun! Mr Bastard tells an outrageous joke...similar warped sense of humour to me. He stands up to take his jacket off and drops it on the floor! Another course comes and goes and we start to lose ourselves in our conversation...the surroundings and other dinner guests disappear. Until the couple behind us get eye contact and ask how we met...on the internet I say brazenly....last week! They think I'm joking....so for a fuller effect I follow up with he's married and so I am but not to each other!!! They don't ask any more questions and shortly after they leave! Mr Bastard has a revelation to share with me he thinks I am the female version of him. A woman with a man's mind. Has Mr Bastard met his match. I tell him that he's probably right...I do think like a man....and after all these dates and eat, sleep and breathing all types of men....I feel I'm qualified to say that. Still searching...

PS Once at home curiosity gets the better of me and I check out the The Killing Kittens website it says this "Welcome to Killing Kittens the network to the world's sexual elite!" Killing kittens is a colloquialism for female masturbation and this company is dubbed the underground orgy, sex parties for the beautiful, rich and famous...something tells me Mr Bastard is a regular guest.

Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man! Mmm what adjective is used to describe a woman with a man's mind I ponder? Anyway, curiosity killed the cat, didn't it, but then kitty has 9 lives doesn't she?

Mr Posh Pensioner

2009-08-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

70 years young! Old fashioned gent; 5ft 11; brown hair; hazel eyes; a few extra pounds; fine wine drinker; occasional cigar smoker; executive management; lived in a mansion in Mayfair for past 43 years; well connected; very cultured businessman. 2 dogs; a labrador and a greyhound!
Mr Posh Pensioner's Profile
I am looking for a lively interesting lady who likes to share a good meal and fine wine who likes culture, theatre, art galleries, opera and ballet. Someone who is good company on holidays and who likes to share all the good things in life. I also like racing and have interests in some horses, have a 6 bedroom house in Mayfair and a cottage in the country...I am fit willing and able and like the company of young ladies!
The Emails
From Mr Posh Pensioner
I certainly like your looks and style, all good except F1!
I would peddle up any stream to find you
Fondly...
From Mr Posh Pensioner
I am jetting out to Portugal tomorrow...I would like to get some perfume for you...please advise me of your favourite and I will endeavour to pick up a special gift for you. Please wait for me...don't run away!
Fondly...
From Mr Posh Pensioner
I would like to cordially invite you to accompany me to the Proms in London on the following dates....please have a look on the Royal Albert Hall website and if you feel you would enjoy any or all of the concerts I have suggested, then I would be delighted to take you...in the meantime remember what I said about not running away!!!
Fondly...
The Close but No Cigar Date
So Mr Posh Pensioner invites me to spend the weekend with him at his country cottage...there's talk of luncheon...walking his doggies and relaxing in the countryside. He has a vested interest in a race horse and offers to take me to the stables for a tour! I suggest that I would like to meet up with him first, perhaps in a public place (following the dating websites safety guidelines for a change!!!) to see if we get on. I would like to meet Mr Posh Pensioner as I am intrigued as to why he is interested in dating me...a huge age gap...dirty old pervert or lonely old "young at heart" Gent? He bypasses this idea and continues to tell me what I need to pack and the dress code for the Proms....dinner...and that he must watch the footie on Sunday, other than that he's all mine. He gently drops into the conversation that he has a lovely en suite guest room and that I will be most comfortable. Also, for me to be assured that he will not pressure me into doing anything that I don't want to do! Oh my gawd, is that reverse psychology for I'm going to try to get my leg over with a woman young enough to be my daughter...no make that my grand-daughter!!! Gross campers, I mean Michael Douglas he ain't, because last time I checked he was rocking around with Catherine Zeta Jones, damn! Mr Posh Pensioner also reminds me that he has my perfume...the carrot is being dangled and I am, it seems, the donkey, Eeyore! Reluctantly, I agree to spend the weekend with Mr Posh Pensioner and he insists on collecting me....all very gentlemanly and I guess once on board I'm at his mercy for the weekend...central locking on...make that child safety locks, Grandpa! Once Mr Posh Pensioner is in close proximity I find myself feeling incredibly uneasy about the plans. I cannot get his age out of my head and it just doesn't feel right. Mr Posh Pensioner arrives...parks private number plated Posh Pensioner car and clambers out. I am on all fours in the bathroom eyes at windowsill level, I catch a glimpse of a very old man...he is not 70, he must be nearly 80 this Geezer! Oh no...I simply cannot bring myself to even answer the door. Mr Posh Pensioner has wispy grey hair, spectacles on his nose, he is portly and looks like a dirty old man. Think Peter Stringfellow, add on 20 years, without the thong and the blonde but you're getting the picture. So I don't, I don't answer the door. I'm frozen...slightly sickened. He stands outside perplexed and bewildered and I text him to say I'm very sorry but I cannot do this, entirely my fault and my mistake I say. He texts back saying I have your perfume in my hand what shall I do with it? The carrot has lost it's crunch and appeal. And as I crouch there in my bathroom, on all fours, it dawns on me that Mr Posh Pensioner could easily be mistaken for a confused and bumbling old man clutching on to a bottle of perfume and a dream of a date with much younger woman and do you know I don't feel sorry for him because at his age he really should know better. Still searching and maybe it's time to try a toy boy to balance the dating equilibrium. Mr Right if you're out there and you're reading this come rescue me....

Mr Adulterer

2009-08-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

38 year old; married; no photo; executive management professional in the City; tall; dark hair; blue eyes; make that wandering blue eyes....
Mr Adulterer's Profile
I'll be candid: I'm married and looking for a mistress, a partner in crime, for illicit romantic and naughty liaisons. Not in my life plan to be here, but you've got to play the cards in your hand, right? I'm a senior professional guy with a big job and all the responsibilities, shortage of time and goodies that go with that, in desperate search of fun. I'm drop dead gorgeous. Oh all right, mildly drop dead gorgeous. Well be picky then, some people find me drop dead gorgeous others don't. Once upon a time, a man on the hunt for a lady would set great store by a woman who could cook. But things have changed. To be honest, I'll settle for a woman who doesn't poke her food around the plate and claim to have a thousand intolerances. That doesn't mean I like fatties. We boys hate fatties. Intriguingly, we also dislike beanpoles. No ladies, I like slim to curvy types. Also I want a woman who is prepared to admit that what she wants from a man is to be spoilt rotten followed by really good ****! Well you know what I mean. I want a secret plaything, a lover, a partner that wants to be spoiled and have multitudinous moments of pleasure.
The Emails
From Mr Adulterer
"Wow!" Love your photos and profile, have to say yours is the most brilliant profile I have read so far! I looked...I like...YUM!
My Response
Well hello, why is a 38 year old successful married Gent looking for a mistress and what's more why does my profile give you the impression I'm a suitable candidate for such a role?
From Mr Adulterer
I married a bi-sexual. It has been fun. But now she wants to be a lesbian. I am somewhat redundant.
My Response
Oh dear. Redundancy sucks, huh? Particularly in the recession. So what next? Do I get to see a photo of you please? And how often would you like to meet your sexy plaything and what are the mutual benefits?
From Mr Adulterer
I'd like to meet up with my mistress maybe once a week. She gets:
1. Supremely spoiled
2. Side splitting laughter
3. Wined
4. Dined
5. Multiple orgasms
6. Slowly shagged within an inch of her life
Mmm...how enticing...I think not! This proposition from Mr Adulterer is enough to turn any heterosexual woman to Tipping the Velvet!
My Final Response
Thanks for the photo (guy, in designer ski-wear, up a snowy mountain, complete with shades and sun tan). I am not sure that we are compatible or seeking similar situations so good luck with your search.

What was the famous Jerry Hall quote..."My mother said it was simple to keep a man, be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit."

Cook...cleaner...whore...who knows the answer to finding the right man, let alone having to worry about keeping hold of him. Still searching.........

Mr "W"

2009-08-17T06:29:00.000-07:00

39 year old; single; writer; seeking long term relationship; witty emails exchanged; no telephone calls...
The Date
Mr "W" arrives in his Wange Wover! He is smartly dwessed and gweets me with a kiss on my cheek. He has a warm, fwiendly face and I instantly like him. Then he asks me if I would like a dwink? There is a moment of silence...whilst my mind computes what I am hearing. Ignore it...ignore it...my mind is scweaming at me! I am not prejudice or judgmental at all, and I am far from perfect. I guess because me and Mr "W" did not speak on the the phone ahead of our date and he failed to mention he does an expert impression of Jonny Wossy, I am slightly taken a back. My composure contained, Mr "W" walks off to the bar to order our dwinks, probably relieved that I didn't order a wed or wose wine, wodka with wed bull or wum and coke! White wine...perfect...straight forward. I must point out that I have an ability to put my foot in it, for example when I met my girlfriend's now husband for the first time, I opened the door and exclaimed "Oh my Gawd, are you alright, you look like you've been in a fight!?" He responded "No it's a birth mark" (He in fact has a small birth mark under his left eye, which could look like a black eye if you are a social cretin like me!") To claw back rapport from that opener was a task and half, that said I made it to their wedding so all must be forgiven! Anyhoo back to Mr "W"...we talk about his work and his writing (thank gawd he's not a high wanking officer in the Woyal Air Force I find my mind wondering!) His previous welationships have been successful but run their course and he is looking for the whole package. He is a lovely chap and very witty, actually he is hiwawious!!! He weally, weally makes me laugh!!! Having said that Wicky Gervais makes me laugh, as does Wussell Bwand but laughter alone is not enough for me, hey if laughter was the only answer to love and lust then Woody Allen wouldn't have had to marry his own daughter, now would he? As we say our farewells and Mr "W" clambers back into his Wange Wover and I wave him off feeling quite wivetted from his banter and tales, I sense that I am still searching eyes and ears weally wide open....

Mr No Show-Ego

2009-08-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

35 year old; Business consultant in the training arena; background in psychology; human resources and NLP; loves to travel; outdoors; super positive; not one for emails or telephone calls cut to the chase and wants to meet up and seize the opportunity!
The Date
Coffee. I change the location of our rendezvous a few hours prior to meeting Mr No Show-Ego, this is because I am slightly half hearted about meeting him but all in the name of blogging my bleeding little heart out I decide to see it through. He asks me to text him the postcode for his satnav which I do. I guess a side effect of all this internet dating is that a. you become sceptical...just awaiting for the clanger to drop mid conversation, the baggage, the neurosis, the catch, whatever it is, I am waiting for it, because generally so far men on the internet come to the table with issues b. the novelty of meeting new men starts to fade, 40 dates in! c. Mr Psycho is bound to rock up sooner or later and I'm not looking forward to meeting him! So as we haven't actually spoken on the phone, I decide to send a couple of banter texts to create a fun and lively atmosphere ahead of meeting. Some may call this a charismatic approach, light hearted and building some sort of rapport or anticipation. Mr No Show-Ego texts me to say he is running late according to his satnav. I text back to say "I just arrived and just as well I like my own company and shift your arse, I'm sitting outside : )!" He texts back saying it's my fault for changing the location last minute and he has to travel further than he anticipated. I text back totally joking saying "I don't do the blame game, so get your pedal to the metal and I look forward to meeting you soon" 10 minutes later I get a text saying "I'm sorry, I've turned around, I don't like your demanding attitude on the texts, I've just come from a great 1st date and you're not for me" I am, I have to say, flabbergasted! I cast a wry smile, as with all my antics on this internet dating search, it's probably about time this happened but I can't help thinking what an egotistical moron he is to miss the opportunity of meeting, having driven an hour or so, to just throw his toys out of his cot-car. Another text comes through from Mr No Show-Ego "I am a real catch...don't contact me again" I text him back to remind him that it is he who made contact with me, and if in fact he is back to back dating then it's probably for the best that we haven't met. Rich coming from me, I know!!! Glad my intuition told me to change the location and probably glad that I didn't have to endure an hour or so with Mr No Show-Ego. A new one on me and hey Mr Psycho is still at large....Still sceptically searching!

Mr Graduate

2009-08-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

25 year old; professional; Irishman; Engineer; blue eyes; brown hair; tall; handsome; Irish; Did I mention Irish accent? Irish charm? Seeking Mrs Robinson...confident; cheeky; bright; hot headed; engaging; dominant; demanding; persistent; dark horse?
The Pre-Date Conversations
Myself and Mr Graduate aka Benjamin have exchanged a number of emails and calls...the end result of these communications has been a roleplay scenario of Mrs Robinson meets Benjamin! "Would you like me to seduce you???"
The Date
Benjamin suggests Mrs Robinson to fly to Aberdeen...tbc!!!

Mr Lounge Lizard

2009-07-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

53 years old; single; antiques dealer; always on the look out for a unique piece (of ass!)
The Date
A drink at a Mayfair Gentleman's private members club. Mr Lounge Lizard is engulfed in a Red Chesterfield Wing Back Arm Chair clutching a humongous G+T, probably not his first by the looks of his flushed face and silly grin as I rock up to greet him. Mr Lounge Lizard is wearing red cords, yellow socks, brown suede loafers with gold snaffle, blue pin stripe shirt, a paisley cravat...he looks old, weathered, battered so is well suited to the world of antiques! This man is need of some restoration me thinks. He tells me about his shop on the Kings Road and his clients that he has built up over many years of wheeling and dealing. An antique is an item over 100 years old, he tells me, however recently, certain dealers are considering 50 years as a benchmark for an item to be is considered Antique. So he is himself a potential antique I quip...he laughs...! There's talk of the differences between antiques, vintage pieces and collectibles. In Mr Lounge Lizard's opinion antiques are over 100 years old, collectibles over 50 years old and vintage pieces, the term he tells me, originally applied to the age of a bottle of wine, it was hijacked and is now used to describe an item that has cycled back into fashion or is less than 25 years old. 25 years old. Mmm...maybe I can transcend this theory to my next dates Mr Vintage and Mr Collectible...Mr Antique....are there any men on the dating circuit over 100 years of age or would that result in a date with a difference at an old people's home or warden assisted housing for a liquid lunch....maybe a step too far. He is a little eccentric and seems to have an overzealous saliva duct production culminating in a wet grin, not dis-similar to a jowly boxer dog...Turner and Hooch styley!! So it seems that this is Antiques Roadshow meets American Gigolo meets last of the Summer Wine. Mr Lounge Lizard has perfected the gliding manoeuvre from said leather armchair to bar...a bit like the air hockey game that you get at the UCI cinema complexes, or maybe he's just pissed! Yes I think that is the case as his conversation skills are plummeting at a rate quicker than HBOS shares and he is now unknowingly doing an expert impression of Tommy Cooper...slurring fashion..."Just Like That!" Time to leave the old reptile to it...something tells me Mr Lounge Lizard spends most afternoons/evenings in this bar, ahead of Stringfellows and that the little antiques shop on the Kings Road is probably open mornings only....as I leave the bar, I glance back to Mr Lounge Lizard and it dawns on me David Dickinson...it's not him....but it could be! Still searching.....for that unique antique of a man who is in MINT condition...is he out there???

Mr Middle Manager

2009-07-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

41 years old; divorced; public school boy; sales and marketing manager; energetic; enthusiastic; sporty; sociable; competitive; too busy for emails cuts to the chase and requests a schmeeting!!!
The Date
I meet Mr Middle Manager for a breakfast meeting as he has a super busy schedule as he and his team are right bang smack in the middle of a profits drive and it is HIS priority to WIN! Mr Middle Manager is dressed in a high street suit and tie combo that puts the colour blind to shame. I mean I really could do with some blinkers to soften the garish eclectic mix of patterns and colours! Is this power dressing for the businessman of 2009? Or does this guy get dressed in the dark each morning!!! Oh my gawd, I look down...is he wearing school shoes? His shoes appear to have a thick robust sole, laces and are very shiny! We greet with a handshake...Mr Middle Manager exercises his authority with a power knuckle crushing hand shake...he is one step away from leaping on the floor and having a full blown arm wrestle with me...this guy takes competitive to a new level! We sit down, order coffees and croissants and then Mr Middle Manager lays his cards on the table....well actually not his cards, his not 1...2....3 but 4 mobile phones and blackberry...crackberry devices...in case of a crisis call from the team at HQ! He tells me his IT man is totally incompetent and he has issues trying to divert old numbers to his new devices. He has a clip on his belt so he is always contactable 24/7 365! This to him refelects committment to the business! Is that his corporate pen I see peeking at me from behind his breast pocket...back to incompetent people...Mr Middle Manager cannot tolerate those around him who are useless and incompetent! he does not suffer fools he informs me...mmm...no comment this is coming from a man who is still having his feet measured and wearing Clarks shoes!!! He takes pride in telling me that his team work WITH him not FOR him and that's how he gets results! Mr Middle Manager announces...that he doesn't do job titles...he is a manager...a trainer...a coach..a mentor...just as he asks me a question about my work...his mobile starts to ring...apologies from Mr MM but this could be mission critical as he's been expecting a key call from the Board and as he steps away from our table...I roll my eyes and wait then I hear Mr MM tell his mother that he is in a very important meeting and he will call her later and the cat is convalescing well...he returns. He tells me about the projects he is currently heading up and the impact his involvement will have on the company margins and morale and how a promotion is imminent...not that he is driven by power...status...title...as he so ingrained in the concept of TEAM as he says there is no ME in TEAM! There is no ME in this meeting...only Mr Middle Manager. As we wrap up, Mr Middle Manager hands me his business card with his chest puffed up like a peacock. I ponder whether I should have prepared an agenda for today's brekkie schmeeting although no doubt Mr Middle Manager would be looking for the follow up items and minutes by lunchtime. As far as I'm concerned all items have been covered and there are no action points! Still searching...

Mr Detective Inspector CID

2009-07-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

55 years old; copper turned detective; short; moustache; smoker; drinker; bit of an ego; authoritative; Surrey man about town; married 4 times!!!
The Date
Mr Detective rocks up resembling what can only be described as Milk Tray Man, mission impossible; mid life crisis; I am doing all I can to look 20 years younger, hip and trendy! BLACK is the colour of the day for Mr Detective is wearing black jeans, black polo neck; black loafers...do I detect a tassel on those shoes...oh yes I do! Black leather jacket, one size too small. He has gel in his hair and wreaks of aftershave...where are the chocolates...mmm I'm partial to an orange creme or turkish delight...shame no sign of a box of choccies...just a black wallet and a jangling set of keys. Let's hope he hasn't a warrant to search me!!! Eye contact with Mr Detective is instantly intense...I think he fancies me and I feel very edgy, oh no I'm blushing! Now he's going to think I'm attracted to him...WRONG Sergeant Pepper! He also seems devoid of the concept of personal space and is in my face, well chest really as he is shorter than me. Right off we go for lunch...on him he hastens to add. Mr Detective has been in the police for over 25 years...he seen it done it breathed it coached it arrested it charged it cross examined it interrogated it forensically found it sent it down. He tells me about some gruesome rapes and murders and abuse cases. All very appetising pre luncheon conversation! I notice Mr Detective is necking the red wine. This guy is a drinker! He tells me about his 4 wives...Wife 1 he was 19 years old, she was pregnant and they were far too young. Wife 2 a passionate Italian that stole his heart and money lasted 3 years. Wife 3 couldn't hack his work schedule...long hours..being on call...she felt neglected and he felt up the local bar maid most evenings after work, reading between the lines! Wife 4 still married to her but it turns out they've had a big argument recently and she's thrown him out! He is currently residing at the Police House licking his wounds and awaiting wife 5 maybe - is that where I fit in I ponder with anxiety! Time to call 999!!! Mr Detective proceeds to get absolutely smashey poo-ed through lunch, and the tables really take a turn for the worse when he announces he has suffered an anal tear!!!! Am I hearing things? I look down at my gourmet minced beef burger and cannot go on. I really don't want to know how he has sustained this injury. Some things should remain a mystery and some crimes are left unsolved and this date with the Sweeney is over. Blue flashing lights...still searching!

Mr Subway

2009-07-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

32 years old; Canadian living in UK; single; bright; fit; sporty; looking for fun?
The Date
Mr Subway is waiting for me. I'm 15 minutes late. He is dressed in designer jeans, white T shirt, pink jumper and battered leather jacket. He looks very boy band...high school fantasy guy...mild stubble...utter trouble..we greet and head for the bar. Small talk ensues. I hate this..polite conversation, curtailed by pub punters in close proximity...so I suggest meeting him in the beer garden. He rocks out with the drinks. So he asks me to guess what he does for a living...he offers 5 questions to me and will provide only yes or no answers...here we go I think! Q1 Do you create something? A1 Yes, sort of! Q2 Is your company American? A2 Yes Q3 Can I eat or drink your product? A3 Yes Q4 Are you on the high street? A4 Yes Q5 Are you Macdonalds, BK or KFC? A5 No! BOMBED!!! Mr Subway offers a question 6...well a statement 6...the company is 2 syllables...I am stumped...erm...think..nope...have to ask him....SUBWAY....he is SUBWAY....Subway Melt...Veggie Patty...Chicken and Bacon Ranch and Meatball Marinara!!! Ringadingding...I have to tell him I'm not a Subway Subscriber to be honest...I've been once...for a meatball ensemble with baguette...he looks perplexed....however Mr Subway has done well, 32 years old, running 60 stores in the UK for SUBWAY...he is charming, bright, engaging, charismatic. We talk about me for a while...then we get distracted by a village boat race for the older generation. I dare Mr Subway to join in with a packet of Marlborough lights and a stick as a sail...he's game and joins in....he creates a sailboat of sorts...I like his enthusiasm and energy...BUT we lose however the old ladies LOVE him!!! He tells me nothing scares him. I tell him I beg to differ or that maybe he hasn't found the fear does yet....or Susan Jeffers (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway that dons my bookshelf..would be lost on him!!!) he tells me about a trip to NYC that he took recently alone....about playing ice hockey and invites me to watch him next weekend...and as he gives me a lift to the garage to buy some chocolate and ciggies...I kinda think Mr Subway is a genuine....go getter who has the world as his oyster or at least the odd cockle and muscle at his realm and I cast a smile as he drives off in his black Porsche Targo...he deserves all of this and what's more he was a very unassuming, interesting and chivalrous date. Still searching but with a glint in my eye for the possibility of a Mr Right on the World Wide Web.....

Mr California Stalker

2009-07-28T03:35:00.000-07:00

52 year old; separated; married for 18 years; father of three; living in Claremont, California. Heavy equipment operator; bad speller!!!
The Email
Mr California contacted me with this opener..."love the hat pic, hop on a plane, come have a beer in sunny cal with me" I responded jokingly send me the air ticket and put the beers on ice I'm on my way! This unfortunately encouraged Mr California to bombard me with emails...describing his pool, our date, what we would do in CA while I stayed with him, how sensual he is and wants to be...I mean, does he really think I am going to fly to the States, stay in his house, swim in his pool, drink his ice cold beer with a total "sensual" stranger? mmm do I want to end up buried in his garden, remember he's a heavy equipment operator....clue's in the profile people!!!
No Date...no more emails...Mr California is blocked and I am still searching!!!

Mr Hippy

2009-07-28T03:11:00.000-07:00

48 year old; divorced; father of 2 teenage daughters; long-ish greying hair; blue eyes; copywriter and director of a media business; creative; quirky; non conformist. Was married to Mary Poppins apparently; dabbled with drugs in his younger years. Well written profile...here's a glimpse: Headline for Mr Hippy is thus

"The Difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra!" Mr Hippy claims to be seeking a like minded soul to start something incredible...

"So ...what would you like to know? My bank balance? Do I go to the gym 27 times a day? Am I kind, creative, good fun and mildly insane? I might be but it's all so subjective isn't it and besides, I'd rather you judge for yourself so if you're completely gorgeous, slimmish, successful at something and curious about me then get in touch"

The Date
Afternoon tea in a village. I inform Mr Hippy that I will call him on arrival to arrange meeting place. As I saunter through the village, I text him with the following..."Walk through the village and look out for me...let's see if we bump into each other! Who said romanticism was dead" 15 minutes later, having rotated my head 360 degrees in a seemingly paranoiac fashion to other fellow villagers and craned my neck at disturbing angles, around corners, doorways and into car windscreens...mine and Mr Hippy's paths have not crossed! Oh dear...moment is lost! It's starting to rain on my parade literally and laterally and I'm brolly-less and feeling ever so slightly hopeless...I find a bench outside a pub and sit and wait. Mmm....text arrives..."ok I give up - where are you?" I text back "where are you?" Nothing...it's now 30 mins since we arranged to meet. I feel rather foolish and silly and awkward about meeting Mr Hippy now as he, like me, has obviously done a few laps of the village and I start to think I should have gone down the pink carnation, FT and standing under the clock tower route. Time to get out of here....once at home...I get a missed call from Mr Hippy who is in a state of bewilderment and frustration with a flat mobile battery! I respond from confused.com HQ and suggest that if intrigue over rides irritation then we should re-arrange.
Date 2
Coffee at a cafe at 2:30pm. Specific arrangements in place to avoid 2nd date disaster. Mr Hippy is hiding behind a newspaper which he has cut the eyes out of of. He is staring at me. Ok this guy is certainly quirky! He is casually dressed in jeans, shirt and linen blazer. He is good looking for an older, weathered, well worn, well lived man. He could be my biology teacher...a lecturer...or a lecherous old man!!! We have the awkward apologies and explanations for date 1's debacle. He also chooses this is the time to tell me that he is actually 51 years old, but ages himself at 48 years on his profile so not to miss women who only search up to 50! Great - a liar! He explains he was married for 20 years to Mary Poppins, a lawyer and the 2 children, he claims, eroded the relationship. He's divorced and has maintained amicable relations with Ms Poppins who now has a new partner and Mr Hippy has dined with them..which he said was strange. He's been dating for a few years...admits to being lonely. He tells me he feels surrounded by pairs...people...pigeons...happy couples...and he feels he would like someone special to share experiences with. We talk about his work..he's runs a creative media business, writes jingles and creates graphics for advertising. He recites a jingle to me and asks me to guess what it is promoting..I guess a plane...wrong...a caravan! He tells me a few horror stories from his dating experiences, a woman whose photos and flesh were a classic before and after ad for WeightWatchers, but in reverse! He said he had an excruciating swift pint with her, made his excuses and legged it! He admits to experimenting with all sorts of recreational drugs in his younger days and still enjoys a spliff, with music or after sex....alarm bells chime, why do men have to do this...refer to sex so blatantly...I am giggling uncomfortably like a school girl. It's never right an age gap of over 20+ years. He asks me about my relationship with my parents, which I find interesting. Is Mr Hippy, a wannabe father figure? His reasons are he feels people have a fuller well being if they get on well with their parents into adulthood. He chain smokes Mr Hippy, I'm surprised he doesn't have a yellow hand and a black cavern for teeth...i notice his car keys are on the table, BMW key ring. We finish our drinks and he says he'd like to hook up again...maybe go to see a live band. I make my pleasantries and leave...it was an enjoyable rendezvous....with an older man...who seems gentle and genuine...a bit lost and with a foot or yellow hand in the past. Still searching!

Pause for Thought...

2009-07-15T05:04:00.000-07:00

I started wondering why everyone in the pool of internet dating spouts out the same profile stuff over and over. So much of the same old thing! DVD - bottle of wine...good sense of humour..wide circle of friends, fully functional family, great job, great bod, great brain, completely sane! Sporty, thoughty, naughty and haughty! Mmm so why the heck are you single, Mr Perfect? Mr Eligible? Mr Hubby-Material? I know why...read on Sherlock!

When you're new to all this, it all seems terribly exciting...WOW! So many nice single eligible men...swimming round in a pool, removed slightly from the real sea of life, but so easily accessed at the touch of a button, what a great concept...dating with your cat on your lap, in your chocolate and red wine stained PJs, bed hair, builders tea, watching dross day-time TV (you know the sort, in-bred families swapping partners and throwing chairs at each other across a studio, all in the name of entertainment) Alas, you'll never have to go out again! What you don't realise is that you are potentially emailing pot bellied, bare chested men, who are sat in their already once or twice reversed Y fronts, surrounded by pot noodles, porn mags, basket loads of dirty washing, empty cans of stella, over flowing ashtrays, Nuts magazines, paper cuttings of escorts on free ads!....plucking their nasal/ear hair onto their keyboards, whilst fantasising about the next 21 year old supermodel profile to approach. The ones whose photos are either non existent, 10 years out of date, camouflaged with baseball caps and sunglasses or pasted onto the Taj Mahal shot or Kilimanjaro both of which these guys have never seen, walked up or down, as they have never left a 15 miles radius of Kidderminster!
Every man has a big fabulous life with massive cars and houses and they go to exotic places on holidays, not to mention the bulging bank balance and kind and generous nature to go with the deck of credit, debit, store, more, adore, flexible friends to hook us golddigging, money grabbing ladies into the fold!
They love their (dog cat horse llama monkey alligator kingcobra elephant mother father sister niece nephew neighbour the homeless the planet shoe shopping DIY) -delete as applicable...
Seems like all the most fantastic men go on these dating sites, and what an amazing place it is to be...

Wouldn't it be funny if they did the same in all potential dating situations - walking round in a nightclub/Tescos/the workplace/the park with the age range they require, on the front of their designer, muscle clinging t-shirt, and all the other vital statistics in their profile on display - and a couple of photos stuck on their backside - the usual stuff, you know, in the suit as the best man - sprawled over their fast car - smothering the poor old dog - ski-ing - fancy dress looking like a total dick - glass of wine in hand, a bit merry, actually totally smashed and bog eyed ...but not all in the same photo by the way. Well actually....

Still searching and swimming...but taking a life jacket, just in case of emergencies!!!

Poetic Email

2009-07-01T01:46:00.000-07:00

So I logged on this morning to find amongst the hum drum emails from the pool of men this...

Have I attracted your attention or am I reeled in but thrown back ?
Are you waiting at the station or walking down the track ?

Does my profile not excite you or my photo make you hack?
Will we meet along the road of life, or part and not look back ?

Will I see you in the paddock or the pit lane walking by?
Or be-wellied by the fireplace with some champagne (very dry)?

Swift as a shadow, short as any dream, Brief as the lightning in the collied night ?

Mr Tourettes

2009-06-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

33 years old; single; mechanic; common sense above intellect; rough and ready; cheeky character; practical; possibly one of the lads
The Date
Drink in a beer garden. Mr Tourettes arrives straight from work. He has boy-ish good looks, is physically fit and quite muscular looking. He is wearing overalls and has very oily and dirty hands I notice and a baseball cap, bad hair day I ponder? Let's just say Mr Tourettes is not one who dresses to impress me thinks! So he gets himself a pint, offers me the same, I politely decline and go for a soft drink (Do I look like a pint drinker, I think not!) Conversation does not flow. We don't have much in common, unless of course if I want to talk car engines or how many pints of lager him and his mates managed to stack away last weekend before vomiting and then starting again! However, there is something that suddenly dawns on me, he just does not stop swearing. I mean it is incessant! Every bloody, sodding, frigging, freaking, f**king, sh**ting, sentence is filled with expletives! Now I'm no prude and believe you me I can swear with the best of them, but listening to Mr Tourettes and his poor use of the English and bad language is just mind numbing. Oh boy I so wish I'd brought along my swear box...I could retire on this date alone. So in order to make myself very clear to Mr Tourettes and mirror his style of communication I tell him I've just had unexpected f**king text message, from my bloody Bit** of a friend, whose wan**r of a boyfriend, the Bas***d has upset her, the Ars***le and I need to offer her my comfort and advice in her hour of need. Nice meeting you DICKHEAD! Still searching....

Bad Dates

2009-06-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

I can't go on anymore bad dates. I would rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet...(Cynthia Nixon)

Mr Arrangement

2009-06-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

46 years old; MARRIED man; seeking a discreet sexy affair aka arrangement; wife, couple of kids; successful entrepreneur; black porsche turbo; private number plate (should read DICK!); no photo for obvious reasons and some!
Mr Arrangement's Profile
Describing Myself: I am an intelligent, outward going, with straw blonde hair /blue eyes and 6' tall firstly please excuse me if I make a hash of this. I love going to the movies, restaurants, pubs, but also like to stay in and cook a nice meal along with a good bottle of wine and chill. In the Summer I love a long glass of Pimms on a warm evening whilst out with friends Hit all my goals in life now looking for a sexy discreet affair. I enjoy sports playing, travel, good food in hot places. The type of person I am looking for should be able to hold good conversation on most subjects and be good fun to be with I am looking for my lover and best friend. I want to find someone who is compatible, wants what I want and has the energy, attitude and zest for life that I do.
The Date
I was rather taken a back by Mr Arrangement's email communication with me. He loved my profile and pictures and felt so sure I was the ideal candidate for his little arrangement that he is so desperately seeking. He is married and has a family but is missing that certain excitement in his life. His profile claims that he has "met all his life goals". I informed him in no uncertain terms that he was in a mid life crisis and should work on his marriage and that I for one was not that kind of girl. Or am I? I suddenly thought...all in the name of research. He made it quite clear he will never leave his wife of 17 years and claimed to have never been unfaithful until now. He has made the decision to have an affair, well an arrangement, as he likes to call it, with someone who sparks his interest both in and out of the bedroom. I ask him to elaborate Mr Arrangement bluntly explains that he is looking for someone to meet for lunches and spend a few hours in bed passionately making love in the afternoons (yuk...cringe...!) Mmm....I tell him he seems so sure of what he wants and his demands so what's in it for me? A corporate pen and T' shirt? Theatre tickets? Envelope of cash? Where's the mutual benefit I'm thinking? I also inform him that there a plenty of avenues for this type of arrangement that he could explore...prostitutes...escorts...oh no Mr Arrangement couldn't possibly do that he tells me - he needs more...he couldn't just hop into bed with someone he has no connection with. He wants more from his mistress...conversation and compatibility! Mmm...I'm sure he does. So reluctantly I agree to meet him for lunch. I arrive to find Mr Arrangement sat on the bonnet of his Turbo...oh par-lease...this is going to be horrendous! He is, I have to say, ugly, now I like to see the best in everyone but this guy is not a looker! I sense ugly on the inside, ugly on the outside. He is follicley challenged and is the wrong side of athletic and pretty pathetic, grinning like a cheshire cat at me from behind his ridiculous over-sized Rayburns, swaggering over his porsche and jangling his money in his over sized trouser pockets...as I saunter towards him, my butt cheeks clenched, Mr Arrangement whips off his shades and literally undresses me, dribbling at me from head to toe. I now recognise this is a dire scenario that I now need a swift exit from...we walk into the pub and I escape to the ladies to gain composure. And as I catch a glimpse of Mr Arrangement waddling off to the bar smug and arrogant and very married, I think you know what I've seen and heard enough. And you know something as I scarper past the shiny Porsche and away from Mr Arrangement I feel a sense of relief that he's not my husband...or my dad...or my anything...and as I send him a text message to say "Sorry but I know instantly if something will work and this won't" I feel an overwhelming comfort in being single and an even more overwhelming sense of relief that I will never allow myself to be that desperate that I would have to consider any sort of arrangement with a man. Still searching and more carefully than ever...

Mr Breakfast Radio DJ

2009-06-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

35 years old; divorced; breakfast radio DJ; struggling with new found singledom and in need of friends and maybe more; thinks he's funny; enthusiastic beyond normality; cheesy with extra cheddar! Does he have just a face for radio, one ponders ahead of the date. Photos on profile are of Mr Breakfast Radio DJ in action behind the mic in the am!!! Since initial contact from him, he has inundated me with texts, pictures of him at work and one liners and jokes...and constantly requested me to send him more photos, a request I have ignored! I may need sedating to get through this one!
The Date
Coffee. Mr Breakfast Radio DJ has a tendency to text me at the very anti-social hour of 5:30am! Er hello?...He does open his text with a "apol" for the early message but still feels compelled to act as my new found alarm clock! You know the sort...yes that's right, the one you hit snooze on several times before throwing it across the bedroom, preferably hitting the wall and smashing it into many little pieces...that's how I already feel about Mr BRDJ! So back to the date. We meet outside a coffee shop. Mr BRDJ looks very excitable, he grinning, well almost gurning at me. He's taller and lankier than his picture portrayed. He looks pretty tired as well...oh and yes he's kitted out in his corporate radio merchandise....he's a walkiong advert for his local radio station! Then he starts, he's obviously been prepping for out little rendezvous because anyone would think we're live on air, as he bamboozles me with a tirade of jokes, quips, and re-counts radio interviews he's been involved in. Each time I try to intercede with some of my contribution to this one way steam train conversation from Mr BRDJ, he astounds me by saying "hold the line caller" he is telling me to hold the line!!! OH MY Goodness this guy is deluded...demented...he is in a constant world of radio jargon..jingles...dubbing...donut...fader....mixer...promo....sweeper...
splice....and then just when I think this date can't get much worse...he comes out with the following...."Don't think I'm looking for a jump...just cos I'm on the radio! I mean I wouldn't say no but I would quite like to find a someone special." At that point...it was time to get the bill and go our very separate ways. However, I couldn't help but tell him I had rush home as I was big fan of radio 2 and Chris Evans the genius radio DJ guru was on shortly....let's just say we were on VERY different wavelengths...still searching....

Male Profiles

2009-06-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

What they should tell you...

Hi all. I'm really happy and content. What I really like about single life is being able to rotate the tv 180 degrees and lie sobbing watching eastenders in shattered lonervision, preferably whilst drinking gin, and listening to 'Unbreak my Heart' by Toni Braxton.

So more about me, well I am a mountain, I am a tall tree, Ohhh, I am a swift wind, Sweepin' the country, I am a river, Down in the valley, Ohhh, I am a vision, And I can see clearly, If anybody asks u who I am Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say I'm that star up in the sky, I'm that mountain peak up high, Hey, I made it, I'm the worlds greatest, And I'm that little bit of hope, When my backs against the ropes, I can feel it mmm I'm the worlds greatest.

I am a giant, I am an eagle, I am a lion, Down in the jungle, I am a marchin' band, I am the people, I am a helpin' hand, And I am a hero. In the ring of life I'll reign love, And the world will notice a king, When all is darkest, I'll shine a light, And use a success you'll find in me.

I'm looking for a women, preferably like the princess Jodie Marsh, I think she is really classy, and if I could find anyone as charming and natural looking as her then I would be really happy.
At the moment I’m looking for a job, once the electronic tag has been removed that should help. In the meantime I’m looking into doing a spot of pyramid selling. My favourite musician is the great Dane Bowers, his soulful music transcends space and time and you would be out of your mind not to appreciate it. Celine Dion is also a hero. Favourite actor would have to be Stephen Segal, esp in Under Siege 2.

Mr Government

2009-06-23T01:50:00.003-07:00

TBC!!!

Mr Well Endowed

2009-06-23T01:50:00.001-07:00

TBC!!!

Mr Formula 1

2009-06-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

36 years old; successful petrol head; fast cars; fast living; intelligent; successful; energetic and adventurous; hill walking; mountain cycling; champagne swilling; fine diner; mover and shaker; it's Formula One Baby!!! The Catch? No photo....high risk but Isabella just has to find out!!!
The Date
A topless ride in Mr Formula 1's pride and joy followed by a drink...so Mr Formula One rocks up in a red convertible Ferrari...nice wheels..he is tall, slim...greying...slightly receding...an average looking guy. I stumble at the first hurdle..where the hell is the door handle...I can't get it in!!! Stay calm...look cool....Oh right, he shows me underneath ofcourse how practical! I am wearing skinny white jeans and high red heels...as I clamber into the car...I virtually wind myself...I underestimated just how low these beasts are!!! Anyhoo...once inside it's like a mobile brothel...red suede and leather interior...it's so ostentatious! Next obstacle I can't find the seat belt holder...oh gawd....and guess what there's no room in the back!!! Where do you put your groceries!!! Hey ho...so pedal to the metal and with an almighty roar...I fly back into my seat and Mr Formula One burns out of the village like Jenson Button! Now this is exhilarating! We are going like the clappers along the country roads it's fantastic fun...made better by the fact the engine is so loud and the wind overhead that there's no need to talk - perfect I think as I catch a glimpse of myself in the wing mirror...wild hair...super cool shades...just don't look right and have the bubble burst...keep left and ahead and imagine you're with the man of your dreams!
Funnily enough we reach our destination in next to no time. Boring!!! I really don't want to go for a drink I just want RACE...RACE...RACE!!! This car draws ALOT of attention. We go for a drink...chit chat...have a few laughs...I know he's not for me but I make an effort as I want a lift home in the spaceship!!! He has a good job in F1...runs a team and has a very analytical and logical mind. He loves his job and his cars. He's a petrol head...slightly geeky. I establish he's never been married, had 3, 3 year relationships (his boredom threshold I tell him appears to run out after 3 years! Mine on this occasion expired about 20 minutes ago!) His father suffers from a severe anxiety disorder which meant his childhood was isolated and like the Good Life....he is slightly camp actually...but this may just be intellect and a very detailed mind manifesting itself in Dale Winton-esque mannerisms!!! He is however very tactile...he regularly touches my arm or knee...which I am surprised about. Anyway back to part 2 of the main event...the journey home! I manage to coerce Mr Formula One to do a loop of the area before dropping me off. He's game. So we spend the next half an hour at speeds of 130mph watching the sun set and again in blissful silence! He wants to see me again he says as we pull up and thinks we'd have a ball driving to France. Mmm I give him a peck on the cheek as a sign of my appreciation for the Top Gear experience...as I get out of the car in the most cumbersome and clumsy way possible I get an oily line across the backside of the white jeans...a small price to pay for what was a great evening racing!!! That said...still searching!

Mr Short

2009-06-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

45 years old; divorced; 2 teenage girls; Sales Director; independent; intelligent; fussy with women. Blonde hair; green eyes, Big BMW.
The Date
A drink. Mr Short arrives and he is shorter than his profile professes. 5ft 6in in heels me thinks!!! Dear oh dear! He is smart and sophisticated but he is a dwarf! I cope with the date and conversation while we are sitting down as Mr Short disguises his height challenges well..however when we are upright and in motion I feel most uncomfortable. We are one step away from a circus act...trust me! Ompa lompa springs to mind as does short man syndrome! Hey I'm no Penny Lancaster or Rachel Hunter and Mr Short is NO Rod Stewart and for that reason I'm still searching! Let's just say like the man, this date was kept very SHORT!!!!!

Mr Serendipity

2009-06-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

42 years old; divorced; 4 hounds; out-going; positive; funny; quirky; intelligent; colourful life experiences; ex-army; entrepreneur; sporty; life and soul of the party!
Mr Serendipity's Profile
Nothing makes me laugh more than listening to the misdemeanours of my family and friends or recounting my own mishaps, of which I have had plenty and hopefully will continue to do so! I love walking in the sun and rain, sitting on a hill top, throwing herbs around the kitchen, closing the curtains with my hounds at my feet, lighting the fire, shutting the front door, the tent door, the hotel door and with a glass in hand, the fridge door. I conversely have as much fun opening each!
The Date
Drinks at his local pub. Mr Serendipity arrives with 2 of his total of 4 hounds. He has quirky glasses; is fit and casually stylish. Very warm personality and fun natured. A social bunny. We share a bottle of wine and exchange stories. Conversation flows, there's laughter and strange coincidences...we went to the same university; we've worked in the same job; we've made the same mistake! We've been living in close proximity and been to the same places at the same time! He tells me he was with his ex-wife for 5 years before they married and 5 weeks into the marriage she announced she didn't love him! In a veiled attempt to salvage his marriage, he organised couples counselling after the first session and the counsellor advised divorce! We decide to go for a night cap back at his house...we walk several miles across pitch black fields and then we arrive at his manor house. It is brimming with character and full of life, art, books, photographs, huge fireplaces and a pool table in one of the various sitting rooms! It has a great feel about it...this could be a fantastic family home I find myself thinking...a blue aga...nooks and crannies...grandfather clock soothingly chiming! Some people really do live the dream! He is down to earth and hospitable and I can hardly believe what I am seeing. All this...his personality...his success...his love for his dogs...zest for life and he's single! Genuinely looking to settle down and have a family! I am amazed...but don't dust off your hat just yet because I'm still searching!
Date 2
Supper...I am told to dress to impress...oh dear if I must the little black dress and killer heels are going to have come along for the ride! Mr Serendipity informs me we are dining with his best friend and Nia (best friend has just come out of a 9 year engagement and Nia is rocking up from Weston Super Mare) Mr Serendipity is late. Then he rocks up. He looks good. Suited and booted...big smile and warm hug. He seems quite taken aback....he tells me I look foxy and I have great legs...well observed geezer! We sink a few cocktails and await Steven and Nia. Table for 4 turns into utter drunken debauchery...with Mr Serendipity becoming most animated about his dead sheep and having all the waiting staff dancing to his tune in hilarious fashion. He is gregarious, witty, extrovert and very funny! We're a good match.

Mr PlayBoy

2009-06-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

39 years old; bitter divorce; 1 son; property entrepreneur; porsche driving; hockey playing; breitling loving; potential playboy
Mr Playboy's Profile
I am single and play many sports, polo cricket and hockey. What am I looking for? You should live life as if every day is your last. Love sunsets and sunrises, autumn leaves and snow. Remember I am a man for all seasons. I love the good life, nice holidays abroad. Fine wine and champagne, chemistry is very important and also fun, loving each other, caring and being thoughtful with great depth! So if you are true to yourself, I would love to talk. The door is open! ME. Oh by the way I do just like to relax with a nice glass of wine and a dvd!
The Date
Invitation to sip champagne on Mr PlayBoy's balcony! I arrive to a long winding driveway and electric gates. I press the intercom and start to think this date is potentially high risk and dangerous. However, I have all of his details and my friend knows where I am so what's the worse that could happen? Mr PlayBoy is walking towards me, I feel like a child at Willy Wonkers Factory waiting to be let through the gates to see all the delights! He is better looking than his profile photo, well dressed in chinos and a blue shirt, he has piercing blue eyes and black hair. Stylish. As I enter his grounds, and the chink of the gate closes and locks us in, it sends a slight shiver down my spine and I do wonder if this is bad idea. He walks me along a winding pathway and onto his massive balcony that overlooks a landscaped garden. On the table is a white cloth, candles, 4 bottles of still water. There is music playing, George Michael. He opens the pink champagne and pours it inside. Edging on the side of caution I ask to swap glasses with him when he returns for fear of my drink being spiked. We sit and talk, he seems slightly nervous and quite serious. He tells me about his bitter divorce and his son who he clearly adores. He is proud to show me his hockey programmes and achievements, as well as his expensive watch collection!!! A gadget man; very successful and wealthy and lonely. He seems guarded and hurt. He offers to make supper, salmon and asparagus followed by a strange choice of dessert of peaches and ice-cream! As I sit on Mr PlayBoy's balcony and take in the view, I feel rather sorry for him, this manly figure I can see through the window, he has everything, all the possessions one could ever wish for. But he doesn't have anyone special to share them with. As I leave Mr Playboy he gives me a prolonged hug and I sense how sad he really is about how it's turned out for him. There's talk of a second date, a picnic on a hill he suggests...I'm still searching!

Mr I Love Myself

2009-06-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

37 years old; single; broker; eligible; loves himself;loves his convertible; loves himself a bit more; loves his 800 emails that arrived this morning because he is so busy and important and it's all about him, his tan, his muscles, his business, HIM HIM HIM!
The Date
Mid morning coffee. Mr I Love Myself arrives in a sky blue convertible Saab. This guy seriously loves himself! He is tanned and muscular, wearing a designer T shirt, shorts and get this socks and designer trainers? Er hello? Everything is labels, the wallet, the watch, the attitude. He tells me how he is a very busy man with a very successful broking business. Do I realise he has had 800 emails just this morning to wade through...I do now, and I still do when he tells me for the third time! So irritating people who harp on about the size of their inbox! Sort your spam out I say buddy! Mr I Love Myself has a hot tub in his garden in Swindon that he is very proud of! The said hot tub has disco lights, a remote control wrapped in plastic, varying seat levels, a TV screen for watching movies and can hold 8 people comfortably! Mr I Love Myself has a monotone communication style...robotic, incessant and so boring! He is going on and on as he sits in the sun and even has his eyes closed for much of the time just loving the sound of his own voice! He tells me that lots of women think he's gay, (because he takes such good care of how he looks) and that's why he's internet dating as he doesn't meet many women when he's out with his friends. Mmm maybe that's because he's too busy kissing his guns and talking about his 800 emails I want to say but feel it inappropriate, plus I can't get a word in anyway. Still searching!

Mr Rebound

2009-06-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

38 years old; single; executive; intelligent; cheeky; sporty; all rounder or so it seems...
The Date
A spontaneous decision to meet last minute for afternoon tea in the sunshine. Mr Rebound arrives suited and booted in his middle management BMW estate. He is good looking, piercing blue eyes; salt and pepper hair; fit and suave persona. We chat and the conversation is relaxed and flowing well. I quite like him. Pleasantly surprised, he looks better than his pictures. Great personality. I ask him where he lives and if he lives alone. Now I consider myself to be pretty intuitive and what Mr Rebound says next totally shocks me. I would have never have guessed it.
Are you ready for this....so Mr Rebound pauses and looks uncomfortable and then he says that he doesn't know quite how to tell me but he lives with his partner, Jules, who is 50 years old they have been together for 8 years and although he has made the decision to leave her he wants to find someone else before he does so! I am totally flabbergasted...lost for words! However, rather than abandon ship, I decide all in the name of research to ask Mr Rebound more about his complex situ. He admits that he doesn't want to be on his own, his self esteem is probably under par and he feels trapped. He has been unfaithful several times with women he works with and although he has felt guilty about this, he knows he is not happy. He says meeting me has thrown him, as I am nicer than he imagined and he is gutted that he is not genuinely single. Appearances can be deceptive and Mr Rebound is one dark pony that I have no desire to ride!

Mr Military

2009-06-13T02:13:00.000-07:00

38 years old; divorced; no children; wants children and a wife; miliary man.
The Date
Drinks and dinner. I arrive dressed up to the nines, to see a very different man from the black and white well lit; well shot; air-brushed profile picture...Mr Military is wearing a white shirt and a tank top. I instantly know we are not going to click! He is stockier than his picture portrayed and we look a total mismatch in this trendy, chic bar! He is serious and controlled, hey he's in the military! He talks alot about the training and his boys and how he is aspiring to be an officer, bag the pension and be sorted for life. Gosh I am bored. I am really struggling to maintain eye contact and interest. He tells me about his ex-wife, she was adopted and brought issues to the relationship and the reasons they divorced after 2 years of marriage. Then he tells me he is off to Afghanistan for 12 months and would I be able to work around that. I cannot sit through dinner with Mr Military...stand by your beds and salute! ATTENTION! So I pop to the loo, Mr Military goes at the same time luckily for me and I seize the opportunity to escape so I make the cruel but necessary decision to whizz out of the bar while Mr Military is otherwise engaged! As I head home in my taxi, Mr Military is on a mission to hunt me down Operation-Disappearing-Date...mobile flashing on auto-pilot I reflect on the pitfalls of internet dating...one profile...one picture...one person who may not be anything like we perceive...still searching!

Mr PowerBoat

2009-06-12T01:36:00.000-07:00

Mr Powerboat
43 years old; divorced; 2 kids; 1 dog; an entrepreneur in property; ex-professional powerboat sportsman; likes the booze and good times; underlying a genuine and nice person with an edge that adds interest and a spark.
The Date
Lunch al fresco; Mr Powerboat looks better in person than his profile photos, a rough Robbie Williams lookalike!To Be Continued!!!

Mr Spiritual

2009-06-08T03:59:00.000-07:00

41 year old divorcee; acrimonious split from wife, 2 children 3 and 5 years; entrepreneur; described himself as stocky; spiritual!

The Date

Mr Spiritual invites me to a music concert; we meet in London; he rocks up in his silver convertible Saab; he is not stocky he is rotund and very pleased to see me! I know instantly that we are a mismatch; however I like live music and also I feel I need to look beyond instant appearances and give Mr Spiritual a chance. We go for lunch and once Mr Spiritual has me trapped at the table and strapped me in for the life lesson...he starts...his sales pitch...his mission....his opening gambit is this "The most important relationship is the one he has with himself"....spirituality....his journey so far...his mantra...India...temples...teepees...wigwams...and thank you mams!!! His greater self....buddhism....matter....mind....mind....matter...you know what I'm thinking as I neck my champagne....I really DO mind and this really doesn't matter, where;s the band!....chatter..chatter...chatter...his divine self is joining us for luncheon me thinks...for someone who is a wannabe yogi...yoga loving...meditating...soul searching...soul cleansing.....pure...happy..clappy...chappy...Mr Spiritual looks bloody miserable. He is the most appalling listener, I simply cannot get a word in...and then when I do seize the opportunity to ask a question...he starts to unravel. He is in the process of a very acrimonious divorce, his wife has taken his kids away from him, she left him due to his controlling and stressed behaviours; his business is under incredible pressure and he's forked out his life savings on court fees. He admits to being previously on self destruct, drinking too much and living a shallow existence of one night stands; drugs and drink and feeling depressed and angry. At this point he ordered a double black sambucca, for old times sake! We manage to get to the stadium, at least the music and crowd is now drowning out his positive affirmations and peace man signals! I enjoy the concert, mainly staying focused on the stage and the atmosphere and not Mr Spiritual to the left of me! I excuse my self and pop to the ladies and as I gaze into the mirror, I follow my gut instinct in true spiritual style and I feel no regrets as my inner being is crying out to me to GET OUT OF THERE and as I saunter out of the turn stiles towards the taxi rank and towards the train station...ever nearer to the sanctuary of my home, I know I am aligned! I imagine as the train pulls out of London, Mr Spirituality is probably playing bongos now and in higher state of being than the other 40,000 people at the concert! In fact, Mr Spirituality is so tuned in to his divine self that he probably hasn't noticed that I've done a runner at all.............!

Mr Bathroom

2009-06-06T01:52:00.000-07:00

43 years old; single; tall; slim; attractive; sporty; eligible bachelor; Chairman of a 30 year old family bespoke bathroom business; wealthy; 14 toilets; 6 bikes; 4 cars; big bank balance; endorphin addict cycles 40 miles every day or so; non conformist wannabe; all the money hasn't brought happiness or contentment...a little bit lonely and lost; emotionally closed; wants children and a wife and an allotment and acres and acres of land and the fairytale.

The Date
Mr Bathroom is late...claims to be ultra punctual and detests lateness; I have now been amusing myself for 30 minutes; hey I like my own company which is just as well as we are now approaching 45 minutes; so I send a text informing Mr Multi-Millionaire that I'm awaiting no more; text back says Silver Mercedes Convertible and heavy traffic; hey I'm not an unreasonable girl what's another 10 minutes amongst topless friends! We have early afternoon drinks on a terrace in the countryside. Mr Multi-Millionaire seems quite serious; articulate; intelligent; I am unsure if he likes me there no initial obvious signs; he's cautious about golddiggers; we share our stories; he had an 8 year relationship which turned into brother and sister rather than swinging from the rafters and he drifted along for the last few years now he is determined not to compromise or settle for anything but the fairytale.
Date 2
5 Star country manor hotel for cocktails; pool; dinner and conversation!
Mr Bathroom is late AGAIN! But only slightly. I have decided to dress to impress; red killer heels; men it seems like red. So we kick back with a few mojitos; conversation isn't over flowing; Mr Bathroom is quite hard to read and semi serious; more mojitos; talk of our week; his 7 hour "BORED" meeting; he questions me about my plans, what I'm looking for; we go for dinner, scallops and seabass, fine wine; he relaxes and becomes much more amusing; he announces that he thinks I'm square (!!!) privately educated, country girl with a serious exterior; it's funny it seems he's describing himself! For dessert I will be mainly looking a giant raspberry bellini; we play pool, him well, me badly; singapore slings arrive next in all their glory; then more raspberry bellinis; we sit outside on the terrace in the rain; share a cigar and then another; he says he is smitten! I think he's rather drunk! He tells me I have chestnut eyes....he is fixated or paralytic! Result = an invitation to go to Italy on Monday??? Men like red me thinks.....the red shoes are working wonders but there's no place like home so say Dorothy in Oz! However I have always wanted to go to Italy....still searching!

Mr Psychologist

2009-06-05T05:06:00.001-07:00

55 years old; divorced; 2 grown up sons; an NLP psychologist; charming; distinguished; engaging; intellectually stimulating; soothing conversation; in tune; caring; considerate; kind; sweet; But there's an edge in the shape of a dirty old man!
Mr Psychologist's Profile
Be free from fear and possession - learn to relax and have fun
I am a young at heart yet mature man A Psychologist. Yes the maddest of all people. Yet - happy in nature and looking for someone so special that I will know you are the one from the moment I meet you ) I am a romantic and tender person I want to take care of you and do all I can to please you - as it is only when I know my partner is happy that I can get any satisfaction and fun from the relationship too! I am active, fly for a hobby, scuba dive, ski and like to keep fit. I love to share quiet times at home - but perhaps before that why not let's see if there is any chemistry, and try before we buy!
The Date
We meet for lunch; Mr Psychologist brings me blue flowers as I have told him on previous phone calls that blue is my favourite colour. He is endearing and delightful; an old fashioned gentleman who desperately wants to be loved and to love; he suffered abuse at boarding school which he has never addressed through therapy but this probably explains his career choice to help others who have been traumatised; we talk at length about human interaction and relationships; I am drawn to his theories for example that it takes 17 minutes and 7 seconds for a man and woman to decide if there is chemistry between them; right on cue at what could be 18 minutes another present arises; a little box with sky blue tissue paper inside I delve in deeply with excitement and curiosity how lovely to be lavished with thoughtful gifts......my mind wanders to the thought of diamonds... and then it appears a blue garter...oh dear bubble burst...dirty old man has arrived for second part of the date. I want him to be my father; my uncle; my friend; my mentor; I want to provide him with a pipe and slippers and do up his cardigan the right way (he's not wearing a cardigan but he should be!!!) and for him to protect and advise me in a child-like way and have on-going conversations about human psychology and the reasons behind our MAD behaviours and quirks but sadly I am not Mr Psychologist's patient and he is hot bloodied older man with a raging libido! Viagra anyone? No couch, no tissues, no more psycho-analysis, no blue garter on these pins par-lease and no future unfortunately...still searching!

Mr Magic

2009-06-05T04:21:00.001-07:00

43 years old; divorced; 2 children; hilarious company; very successful Managing Partner of an Investment Firm aka an IFA with 20 years experience and the gift of the gab who has fallen on his feet well and truly; Porsche 911; Charming; Engaging; did I mention HILARIOUS company? Fun; Down to Earth; Well heeled; Passionate; Cheeky; Shoe fetish for sure!!! Favourite colour is red...I didn't know this but luckily wore red killer hells and a red jacket with skinny jeans - BINGO!
The Date
Drinks at Hotel du Vin. Mr Magic rocks up great smile, big hug; instant spark; quirky glasses; stylish linen suit; conversation flows; belly laughing to the point of crying! Mangetout mangetout and yes we do have dinner. Mr Magic knocks his glass of fizz over my leg...more laughter. We are toasting to "US" childish but so much fun : ) chatting to 2 poor unsuspecting ladies next to us; we are on fire! We kiss across the table like teenagers and have one damn fine evening.
Date 2
An afternoon rendezvous for date 2 with Mr Magic..we meet for coffee. Mr Magic is reading I Dare You on arrival...within seconds we are in fits of giggles again. We stroll through the streets and he tells me about the architecture and we talk about nothing and everything! We stumble upon an open house art gallery and gate crash the party. Two people standing side by side, staring at images of birds, flowers, landscapes...sharing the experience. We sit on a bench in Church grounds, I discover that Mr Magic is a deep thinker, responsible and in tune with his children's needs and has an overwhelming desire to ensure they are well rounded, loved and secure. He writes notes to them in the books he reads, so that when he dies and his kids read his books they will have his guidance and presence with them. We end the date over a bottle of red and a pizza, crying with laughter and just enjoying each other's company!
Date 3
Mr Magic arrives to pick me up. Oh boy, he is really something. He just looks cool! I am so flustered which is not like me!!! We go to a restaurant...he sits close and is very tactile and funny and the conversation is over flowing. We have some meaningful debates, he's got me sussed and there's lots of laughter. The restaurant manager is flirting with me at our table! Dear oh dear what is going on...I am wearing red again...maybe there is something about the colour red that draws men in because this guy is making it blatantly obvious, even Mr Magic is laughing at the cheek of it. Mr Magic really knows how to treat a woman. He has the balance just right...tactile but not sleazy, hilarious but not trying too hard, sexy but more into me than himself, he dresses just how a man should dress, jeans, great shoes, white shirt, stylish jacket. The restaurant manager is now creating a cocktail just for me!!! He is out staying his welcome at our table...Mr Magic compliments me alot, he is the type of guy who builds you up, exudes confidence and positivity and I feel as if I'd like him to pick me and put me in his pocket!
Date 4
Brunch! Al fresco brunch with Mr Magic. He rocks up in his suit, as he is going live at noon for a news programme he informs me. No he is not joking, Mr Magic is the real deal. I on the other hand will be mainly sky-plusing it! We sit and chat, at a waterside cafe watching the world and his dog go by. I like Mr Magic's company...there is a connection between us I think...
***I press play with feelings of excitement and eagerness to see Mr Magic on the big screen! Oh my gosh, it's him...it's Mr Magic...he's on the TV!!! Mr Magic looks sexy as, he articulates himself well, he comes across as professional, intelligent, serious, assertive, smart and sharp. He is wearing a yellow tie with his pin stripe power suit and quirky designer glasses with a yellow trim. He looks the business...he is the business...I hope we're in business!

Mr Marrieds

2009-06-04T01:19:00.001-07:00

Mr Marrieds tend to have no photo (for obvious reasons) these men are chancers, never going to leave their wives or families but happy to betray them for thrills. These men are looking for arrangements; liaisons; mistresses; no strings attached; will lavish gifts; holidays; business trips; never commit to me or you or anyone for that matter. These men are driven by sex and danger; these men are unhappy; insecure; probably not particularly fond of and certainly not respectful of women. These men give other men a BAD name. These men are weak; insincere and pretty pathetic.
No Date Yet - Just Emails!
I have received dozens of emails from Mr Marrieds looking for my company. They are direct and bold; very open and honest about their marital status; ironic really they can be so open and honest with a complete stranger like me; but lie and deceive their wives. I will embark on a date with a Mr Married all in the name of research but I will not enjoy it.
The Date
TBC!

Mr Rubber

2009-06-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

37 years old; Scottish; divorced; 1 child; MuscleMan; 6 ft 4in; Production manager working with rubber (definitely a dark horse given half the chance one suspects); Sensitive and sweet; Smitten..him not me!
Mr Rubber's Profile
This is the hard part! I'm a Scottish guy who's now been living in Wilts for about 18 months. Kinda getting used to the taste of cider and the funny Japanese people who take pictures of stones!! I love my music, live if possible. What am I looking for? Someone who makes me smile and makes me laugh. Someone who will put up with my cooking and my kilt wearing exploits. Someone who can smile in the face of adversity and always be positive. Fit the bill? ...Oh and you have to make a mean coffee...
The Date
Why do MuscleMen drive women's cars more suited to hairdressers? So Mr Muscle arrives squashed into his BMW Z3 - he's 6ft 4in and very broad his head is on the roof for goodness sake and he looks in total discomfort! Almost at contortionist extremes!!! Anyhoo, I enter the vehicle crashing my head on the door frame...grace and elegance personified as always! We go for a drink...I know immediately even the way he holds himself; the way he talks and stares lustfully or lovingly into my eyes he's not for me! Shame as he seems to be a really genuine, kind and lovely chap. How does that work? Us women we want a nice chap and happy ever after and then the bastard radar tunes in. What do women want? What do I want? I know what I don't want and it's Mr Rubber. It's raining outside so to make the date memorable I suggest we drive back with the roof down and get soaked! He's game and we do it...music blaring...2 strangers sitting side by side soaking wet, freezing cold, but it's exciting and exhilarating and it tells me that some people will do anything for someone they fancy, including getting drenched through and having wet car seats for probably days later. It also tells me that it's not what you're doing it's who you're with that's important and for that reason I'm still searching....

Mr Penis Extension

2009-06-03T01:42:00.000-07:00

40 years old; single; motor bike fanatic; good email banter; no close up photo (alarm bells should have chimed!!!)
The Date
Mr Penis Extension contacted me on a sunny eve in true spontaneous fashion and offered to drive down in his convertible Jaguar XKR; picture Bridget Jones with Hugh Grant on their weekend to the country and I am not precious about my hair so it's a WIN/WIN option! Sexy wheels, Mr Penis Extension drove like the devil; however on coming down earth from 0-90 in 10 seconds; I see a balding; toothy; stocky; rough looking guy who does absolutely nothing for me. Excuses made and home I go...still searching!!!

Mr Mummys Boy

2009-06-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

49 years old; ex corporate finance lawyer; restaurateur; never married; well travelled; likes his independence; sportsman
The Date
Drinks al fresco then meeting up with his younger friends for a village fair. Mr Mummys Boy was very old fashioned and gentlemanly on arrival. Seemed keen and a big talker, name dropping and not a great listener. Wishing to give him the benefit of the doubt I agreed to join him for dinner. He disappeared for sometime between aperitifs and food being ordered...to move his car apparently...most strange! I did experience mild panic and feelings of utter rejection that he may well have deserted me at the restaurant. However, Mr Mummys Boy returned full of apologies and proceeded to lean over his chair and into my lap as the meal unfolded. The clanger came as he was telling me about his elderly mother....I piped up with my witty banter "Don't tell me you live with your mother..." EXIT stage left...because yes you guessed it, Mr Mummys Boy does! What the F++K? Still searching for a single eligible bachelor, without the extended family in tow!

Mr Kinky

2009-06-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Mr Kinky
43 years old; divorced; 1 son; successful workaholic; gadget man; proud cricketer; into his community and local profile; a player, quite possibly!
The Date
Drinks and dinner at his house; cigars in the garden; good conversation; nice aga; no lager but fine wine! Thai food and sharing life stories. Claims to be seeking a relationship, more children and a settled family life. However, Mr Kinky it materialises is a little, shall we say over sexed! Likes to get quite graphic in conversation and happy to impart that he likes slapping ones arse and sex every day if possible, not to mention the fantasy of desk sex in his meglomaniac office environment...dear o dear...TAXI quick as you can!

Mr Divorced Divorce Lawyer

2009-06-01T08:05:00.000-07:00

Mr Divorced Divorce Lawyer
45 years old; divorced; Very successful high profile London based lawyer; good looking (in a David Duchovny sort of way!); intelligent; wealthy and generous; witty and cheeky; eligible bachelor.
The First Date
We arrange to meet mid-afternoon at a country retreat for drinks and Mr Divorced Divorce Lawyer suggests if we are still speaking to each other then dinner could follow! I arrive to find Mr DDL sat in the garden reading a historical book and sinking a pint. He had text me ahead of our meeting to say he would very casually dressed. He is wearing a polo shirt and cargo shorts. He seems quite serious and guarded to start with, asks me alot of questions. Then it's my turn...but first Mr DDL disappears and returns with a bottle Veuve Cliquot and strawberries! I discover Mr DDL was married to a lawyer in his firm. He had a one night stand with a legal trainee and his ex wife went off with a barrister! He is very high profile, having recently represented an ex wife of a very well known celebrity chef! He is articulate and sharp and we seem to be getting on well. The more he drinks (which is pretty substantial) the funnier and cheekier he becomes. He is a contradiction. On first appearances, seems a typical public school boy, boarding school, stiff upper lip, up tight and emotionally retarded. However, there is a rebel bursting to get out of Mr DDL. And I am here to facilitate it!!! We go for dinner and have a hoot! Mr DDL does a hilarious impression of Peter Sellers Inspector Clouseau "Does Your Dawg Bite" we are in stitches and crying with laughter!!! We retire to the terrace for night-caps...and end up paddling in the stream and having a water fight...Mr DDL seems elated and free from the conformity of his professional life...his parting words are he can't remember when he last had so much fun in one evening. I ask Mr DDL when he last took a day off work...he can't remember, it's unheard of! So I suggest he takes a day off next week and we'll go and have some fun! He's game.
Date 2
Mr DDL meets me on the platform in London...he is suited and booted and looks the consummate professional and gentleman. We walk to his car and head back to his penthouse as he wants to change and I get the impression he wants to show me his gaff! He has a great place...overlooking the Thames...a massive balcony and all the gadgets and features you would expect a high flying professional living in London to have, including the art darling!!! We go for a few drinks and then head to the theatre. Billy Elliott is outstanding. Mr DDL gets very emotional at one point during the show, which I find quite endearing. We come out on a high, both totally exhilarated and excited by what we've seen and shared. It's off to the Mandarin Oriental for bellinis and banter. Mr DDL pipes up mid conversation that he doesn't think he would be able to keep hold of me...that I would always be looking for the next best thing. I find this mildly offensive and tell him so. He apologises. We get back on track. Next stop Stringfellows...Mr DDL is like a schoolboy in the candyshop! I sit back and watch him spend and spend and spend a little bit more. These girls are like piranhas around Mr DDL they can smell those fifty pound notes! I encourage him to go for a few private dances and he's led away by various scantily clad women like a puppy to the slaughter!!! It's fascinating this place, groups of men, professionals mesmerised by naked flesh, poles, low lighting and gyrating girls, seductive music pounding through the sound system. But I can't help thinking do they not see the emptiness in these girls eyes...the pound signs on their minds and the conveyor belt mentality? I see a very old man who is clearly intoxicated being held up by at least 3 topless dancers and led into the VIP area. His head and wallet are going to hurt in the morning!!! Mr DDL returns, twinkle in his eye. As we head out of the club Mr DDL tells me I am the best fun to go out on the town with and he thinks he could fall in love with me! What he tells me next pulls the rug out from under me feet. He tells me he is leaving for Hong Kong a week on Friday and would I consider going with him! He is very drunk. I am quite surprised that Mr DDL didn't think to tell me about his relocation plans sooner. He tells me he thought I would never have met him if he had. We agree to keep in touch and I wish him well for his Hong Kong adventure. He plans to be there for at least 2 years and anytime I fancy a long haul trip I am most welcome! Still searching...

Mr Fixer

2009-06-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Mr Fixer
43 years old; man about town; never married; owns a fashion label and is mid launch on an internet dating phenomanen; St Tropez loving; fast car driving; mover and shaker.
Mr Fixer's Profile
Ok I don't know where to start I own my own fashion label which is quite exciting and get to travel all over the world. But with no one to share this with it can be quite boring. I enjoy going out to restaurants around town and also are quite happy to stay in and go for a walk in the park. I love dogs and would love to have one one day, I spend my summer hoildays in St Tropez where I have been going for the last 15 years, I socialize around Chelsea/Knightsbridge where I used to live for a few years. So if you're looking for a smart well dressed man about town and you enjoy being treated like a princess email me. I am looking for someone that it sensitive passionate, attractive, single, romantic.
The Date
Afternoon coffee in South Kensington; I arrive to meet Mr Fixer, who is impeccably dressed complete with his Super Yachts magazine; after much probing and razor sharp questioning Mr Fixer admits his fashion label is actually 1000 factory shirts from Milan than he cannot flog in London for love nor money and he hasn't made a penny from the venture! What's more it materialises that Mr Fixer aka the Talented Mr Ripley; has changed his name 3 times due to financial difficulties and operated under several aliases. EXIT STAGE LEFT! Taxi!!!!!

Meet Mr Flash

2009-06-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Mr Flash
51 years old; divorced twice; 1 grown up daughter; successful executive; tortured soul; no contact with his Jewish family over an inheritance argument; cautious and considered; generous; good looking...what's the catch I thought...while I was also thinking I've struck GOLD! This is the guy I've searched for all my life...
Emails
I hotlisted Mr Flash, his photos were very dapper, one image was of him in a fedora and tweed at the races, another him sat in a restaurant with a smart suit and sipping an oversize glass of red wine and another of him in his work attire looking in charge. Mr Flash responded by saying he was flattered by my approach and asked why I was looking for an older man? This was my response:-
"Cast your mind back to the man you were in your twenties and thirties and the man you are today and there is your answer!" I wrote OMS (Older Man Syndrome) in the email subject. And added why do you have YWM (Younger Women Syndrome!)? He emailed back saying what a brilliant response and that he found younger women to be more passionate about life than his older counterparts. Bring it on!
The Date
Drinks and dinner at a country hotel, instant spark and attraction. Richard Gere meets Viviene! Mr Flash arrived looking smart and casual in designer jeans, a shirt and a trendy jacket. He has amazing eyes and is better looking than his photos. Conversation flowed; common interests and outlooks. He asks me why I am single and is surprised why I am so. He also thinks intellectually I am older than my years. We share a platter of food and the chitter, chatter is engaging and fun. I notice Mr Flash is hugging a cushion as we recline and relax on the luxurious and oversize sofa.
We talk about psychology and life and philosophy and we click!
Date 2
Theatre trip to Chicago; it's raining; very romantic; fun; chemistry; perfect Gent; we scoop into a bar pre-show for a drink. Mr Flash is suited and booted and looks very handsome. Luckily, I have worn a dress and jacket and the bar maid comments "Great dress!" I thank her and Mr Flash right on cue looks at me and says "'yeah, it is a great dress"" I feel on fire. Mr Flash asks me what I am looking for from this internet dating search. I tell him...the Fairytale. What is that he asks me? I tell him I'll know it when it arrives...it's something so special that cannot be defined but ticks every box. Chicago is sassy, sexy and entertaining...all those fishnets and killer heels. There is a chemistry between me and Mr Flash. He is caressing my hand and i catch a glimpse of his profile in the theatre light and he has something. We leave the theatre and it's still raining, Mr Flash suggests a post theatre candlelit supper at Jamie's Italian restaurant, great food, conversation and connection!
Date 3
Mr Flash offers to arrange a 5 star hotel in the West End for yours truly; all expenses paid and NO he's not looking to stay there as well! I reinact the scene from Pretty Woman in my cottage when Julia Roberts is in the bath and going mad that Edward wants her to stay the week for 3000 dollars! Except picture this I clench my fists and do a running on the spot kind of excited, delighted and demented manoeuvre - it's not good look, but it felt great at the time!!! The Garden suite is most luxurious; Mr Flash picks me up at mid afternoon, we stroll through Covent Garden in my ridiculous choice of Kurt Geiger 3 and 1/2 inch heels on cobbled streets; I am totally over dressed in a black dress and cream coat how to draw attention to oneself in daylight; we peruse paintings in several glorious galleries; I am Pretty Woman the voice in my head keeps saying over and over....do everything within my power not to say "Can I call you Eddie" Clearly as that is not his name, as well as "If I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight"!!! Take a pew al fresco with chilled Sancerre and a live opera singer, it's perfect; Les Miserables is utterly moving and breath taking; then it's off to Rules Restaurant for a decadent fine dining experience; not forgetting the rickshaw ride back to my hotel and the cigar to complete the eve. Mr Flash tells me there's something unique about me...that I get it! Get life...get the things to appreciate and the outlook to have.
Date 4
Day out at Brands Hatch Motor Racing; Mr Flash is cool and collected, he wears his sunglasses inside the hospitality restaurant; I notice people clocking us...we look good together. He drinks alot of expresso; mind you I drink alot of wine!!! On to a Surrey village, for a mooch around the antique shops..there's sexual tension between us...I like him...we go to Waitrose. Mr Flash tells me it feels comfortable being in the supermarket with me...mmm...he selects lobster and monkfish and fine wine...gosh I like his style. We spend the eve at his place, he cooks, very well and I sit on the worktop while he preps the food, we talk, music on, it's romantic and sexy and there's an ease about us. We play the question game...it's fun! Then Mr Flash in one manoeuvre drops the starter ingredients all over the floor- hilarious-we are crying with laughter....
Date 5
An afternoon playing pool at a 5 star spa resort; luncheon; banter; drinks; cigars; walks; talks; Mr Flash tells me I need an old fashioned Gent to show me the world and real life....I DO!!!

Introducing Mr Meet the Parents!

2009-06-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Mr Meet the Parents
38 years old; single; long relationship which ended after his infidelity; riddled with guilt; small town mentality; estate agent; small man syndrome; 5ft 8; likes smoking; drinking; his local town; moto GP; Top Gear repeats; tea on the table when I get home from work kinda chap!
The Date
Saturday eve drinks in a country pub...we walked in and to his surprise his father was at the bar. Clearly I assumed this was a joke...oh no it isn't and what's more his father exclaimed "You didn't tell me what a beauty she was, how very nice to meet you my dear" and it gets better his mother was sat through in the restaurant and we were off to meet her too!!!! Red faced and mildly panicked, I got through the small talk. It felt strange though sat with Mr Meet the Parents, who I had known all of 5 minutes and his parents, talking about motorsport, the weather and both our backgrounds. I was just starting to feel more at ease, the units of alcohol were kicking in. Until his mother summoned me to the ladies to powder our noses. She asked me if I'd like children and how she hoped dearly we worked out. What she didn't emphasize was that he still wore cuban heels and thought Turkey was the most glamorous place on this earth. Not to mention the fact that when Mr Meet the Parents had too much to drink he got a little bit angry about his 5feet and 8inches status and liked to kick plant pots or throw my handbag, complete with its contents around. See Ya! Still searching...

Introducing Mr Academic

2009-06-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

Mr Academic
34 years old; single; masters/PhD in Particle Physics no less! A Scientist; house sharing; enjoys outdoor activities; great email banter pre-date.
The Date
We met at a hotel bar for early eve drinks mid-week. Mr Academic arrived on his bicycle, complete with helmet and chain! Email banter had involved much talk of spoons...his profile specifically said he was looking for a girl without a chronic phobia of spoons (you can't make this stuff up even if one tried!) So I took a blue daisy tea spoon to break the ice! I had nick named Mr Academic, "the Shoveller" in our many emails, based around this obsession he had with spoons from the outset. Mr Academic hates his day job with a passion. He feels such disdain towards his boss that he is on the brink I would summise of committing sub-ordinate manslaughter. I ask him why he doesn't just jack it in and follow his dream. But he is trying to pay off his debts accrued from years of studying and in the academia arena. Conversation turned towards his theory that the female menopause is the main contributor to the onset of this recession. He lost me after menopause and I focused heavily on my mojitos! Polar opposites trapped at a table on different planets....he left on his UFO and I caught a taxi home. An internet date lesson learnt that no matter how much email banter and humour you have this does not guarantee face to face chemistry or connection or even mild communication or conversation! Still searching...knowing now to avoid any men with a pre-occupation of utensils!

Introducing Mr Eccentric

2009-06-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

Mr Eccentric
28 years old; single; quirky; cultured; musical; creative; spontaneous; emotional baggage from boarding school bullying and issues with his parents (a pop star father and an American hippy mother); slightly manic; black moods!
The Date
Mr Eccentric contacted me informing me that he was terribly excited upon reading my profile and that he felt sure we would hit it off with so much in common. We exchanged a few emails and I took the plunge in a late night, mildly intoxicated (me - no idea about him) introductory conversation. The end result....45 minutes of a vague but up beat chit chat and a date in the diary. Mid week lunch at a gastro-pub just me, him and his Jack Russell! I arrived to find an aristocratic looking gent awaiting me. Blue velvet smoking jacket, mustard jodphur style trousers and an eclectic mix of colour texture and a mad black beard that was not present on the profile pictures pre-date! He's a young dashing man trapped in a pensioner's wardrobe of pipe and slippers! Mr Eccentric runs a Gourmet Catering business...he is the perfect host, full of charm and charisma and a liking for the older lady he tells me...enter Mrs Robinson! We hit it off, he is engaging and witty and his dog adores me...he's trained the JR well to pull on my heart strings...who had taken up prime position in my lap! We spend the afternoon sharing funny stories, much laughter and frivolity. A complex character probably looking for a motherly figure to make him feel loved and secure. Lunch turns into a drive in the countryside, complete with JR attached to my lap like a heated cushion. We decide to head back to his rented farmhouse, which is in the middle of nowhere and invite his business partner and girlfriend over for cheese fondue and champagne! Now bearing in mind we have been drinking for the best part of the afternoon and it's now early evening, ours is a similar scene to Withnail and I (that's me and him...giggling in a squiffy stupor at the hilarities of our first date) so when his friends arrive sober I can only imagine the cringe worthy conversations and quips coming from our side of the table, as we repeat ourselves, slur about fate, our date and why wait...for love is the answer! Mr Eccentric then decides to serenade me at the table half way through cheese fondue fondling croning out "Do Wah Diddy there she was just a walkin' down the street...singin Do Wah Diddy" remember father was in a band in the 70s! As I fall out of the ricketty farmhouse door and into a taxi, in a haze of melted cheese and champers, I feel Mr Eccentric and dawg are an ecletic mix of madness, music and misunderstandings...still searching!!!

Introducing Mr Sensible

2009-06-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

Mr Sensible
44 yrs old; Divorced; 2 children; Wife went off with a neighbour; Tall and handsome; Successful MD; Sensitive and Sensible; Genuine and Kind.
The Date
Sunday roast in a country pub. Pork. Talk. Wine. Fine.
This being my first internet date, I was surprisingly a bag of nerves. It's one thing writing a great profile and uploading some flattering photos onto the world wide web, it's quite another thing rocking up to what is essentially a blind date with a stranger off the internet. Stigma started to sink in. Am I desperate? Is this a crazy idea? The tight rope walk from profile to date is a wobbly one but even whilst winks, favourites and emails are pinging back and forth the safety net is proudly in place as you peer down from the world wide web that is the wire. However, once out from behind the luxury of the laptop screen and the sanctuary of cyber dating space, there is no safety net and the chances of serious injury from falling are magnified. As the window of opportunity to cancel this date closed by the minute my levels of self doubt and self delusion escalated. This manifested itself in a clothing tornado! As I left, my bedroom resembled that of an angry hormonal teenager, and my clothes crisis hit January Sales on Oxford Street levels, you know the score, creased clothes strewn all over the floors, ripped garments and hangers causing health and safety hazards, and a blanket of inside out, back to front outfits. Why am I so unsure of what to wear. Well, do knee boots and skinny jeans make me look like I'm up for it? It's the Sabbath day afterall, should I don a twin set and pearls? Is a polo neck a sign of being neurotic or frigid? Is it true cleavage and pins out at the same time is tarty? How do you pitch it just right in the fashion stakes as first impressions really do count. Too smart....trying too hard? Too casual...bland, boring or lacking effort. Too much flesh....slapper? Covered up...prude? High street? Designer? Boho? Conservative? Hippy chick? Professional? Then after battling with various colourful ensembles, and as I caught a glimpse of my beetroot red face, sweating in the mirror whilst battling with the elbow trapped in the wrong sleeve war...I thought sod it got to be myself so knee boots and skinny jeans complete with black polo neck and blazer it was. As I walked into the country pub, I wondered what is the internet dating etiquette for greeting. I spot Mr Sensible sat coolly at our table, reading the Independent. He is surprisingly younger and better looking than his profile photos. He stands up to greet me (and tall!) with a kiss and a warm smile. I, by this point have a heart beat suited to a raver and I know I am blushing. Pleasantries over, I make my excuses and rush to the loo. Mr Sensible asks me if I would like a wine....and as I turn on my knee high heels I shout yes please, he says what sort and before I can stop myself I have screeched "LARGE!" he smiles and says red or white? White I murmur turning now a shade of deep purple. Once inside the ladies, I have words with myself in the mirror. Calm down!!! Deep breaths! Back at the table, we make small talk and Mr Sensible proposes a toast, as I raise my "LARGE" glass of vino, my hand is shaking so badly, I cannot navigate sloshing glass to my mouth and have to tell him that I am nervous. Mr Sensible reassuringly grabs my knee and tells me to relax. Gosh is he thinking I'm a anxious wreck? Do i look like I've got the DT's? We talk about his marriage, his girls, I make an effort to ask about his children and show an interest, until I make the faux-pas that comes from getting cocky on 1st ever internet date by referring to Emma and he is quick to correct me that his daughter is called Emily. SHIT! We talk some more about his work...his dating experiences so far. The roast pork arrives...I drop my knife..ice breaker or just plain imbecile! I couldn't begin to tell you how the food was or what we talked about through the meal as I felt like a fish out of water and just wanted to remember his daughter is called Emily! We left the pub and Mr Sensible suggested a mooch around the shops, he made a point of walking on the outside of the pavement, and took my hand as we crossed the road, which was very gentlemanly. We said our goodbyes and he suggested meeting up again. Phew, no longer an internet date virgin and relieved to be heading home....as I have one hell of a bedroom to tidy up! Searching starts!!!

Alive and Kicking

2009-06-01T04:56:00.000-07:00

Ultimate exposure. Profile and photos uploaded and I am alive and kicking in the internet dating arena. Log on...log off...wait...anticipation...excitement...uncertainty...curiosity...what next...how will I be perceived...who's looking at me, is anyone? If so, what are they thinking. Actually what the hell am I thinking putting my face and facts and figure on the world wide web for all to see. Oh yes, I forgot I'm not thinking...I'm experimenting....I'm searching...

And then a barrage of communications begins!

Winks
Hotlists
Favourites
Smiley faces
Pokes
Jokes
Quirks
Smirks

"One thing about internet dating, you're guaranteed to 'click' with whomever you meet!" Anon

10 Top Internet Dating Websites and Beyond...

2009-06-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

WWW.
PERFECTMATCH
YAHOOPERSONALS
SINGLESNET
DATE
LOOPYLOVE
FRIENDS REUNITED DATING
WEALTHY MEN
MINGLES
MILLIONAIREMATE
MATCHMAKER
CHEMISTRY
GOLDDIGGER
SUGARDADDIE
MEETINGMILLIONAIRES
EHARMONY
LAVALIFE
PLENTYOFFISH
. COM

1 Profile - Catch of the Day Seeks Fisherman!

2009-06-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

Swim up stream gentlemen. And there you will find the only catch you've been looking for hook, line and sinker love and laughter. For this fishy is intelligent, sharp and witty. Sultry, sensual and chic. She enjoys wellies and walkies as well as high heels and fast wheels! Country pubs and sophisticated restaurants. Roaring fires and roaring with laughter. Kissing in the rain and relaxing in the sun. She loves polo, horse racing and Formula One. She's elegant and eloquent, articulate and adventurous. Racy and romantic as well as vibrant and vivacious. A culture vulture, passionate about theatre, art and dancing. My glass is neither half full nor half empty. It's brimming with positivity, curiosity and a lust for life and the people and paths we cross along the way. I'll wait for you on the platform with a BLUE flower in my hair. PS You will be a distinguished, dynamic, discerning Gent. With a sharp mind and a warm heart. Considered and caring. Dark horse and daring! Successful and stable. Willing and able! And remember a woman without a man, is like a FISH without a bicycle. Who's peddling up stream? You or Me?

"It's better to be looked over than overlooked" Mae West

2009-06-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome on Board!
One woman's search for a stranger, a soul mate, a knight in shining armour we all dream for as little girls...the Fairytale! Does it really exist? Can love and laughter really be found on the world wide web?
1 Profile
10 Top Internet Dating Websites
1000's of Hotlists, Favourites, Pokes and Jokes, Emails and Tales! Winks and High Jinks!
Pull up a chair and let me introduce you to the Old, the Young, the Mental and the Fun! Some Single, some Strange, certainly Lonely, and the odd one Deranged! The Dynamic and discerning, desperate and yearning, some separated, many divorced and even debauched! The Chancers, Dreamers, Damaged, and Schemers! The Nice, the Needy, the Greedy and the Genuine!
100 dates
1 diary

“Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” Laura Swenson