Mr BAFTA

40 years old; 6ft 1in; tall; dark; handsome-ish; film and tv lighting executive; resides in Cheshire countryside (WAG central); claims to be a millionaire !

Mr BAFTA's Profile

For me banter type conversation with a blend of chemistry is a massive turn on! Being spontaneous & adventurous. I love to laugh & make other people laugh. I have a sensitive empathetic side to me and love to help others. A kind, charismatic, emotionally intelligent, fun loving girl, with a wicked sense of humour, is my ideal. (not asking much!) I don't care if I meet her at the bus stop or on a laptop, it's the chemistry which counts. I do warn you. I am passionate, slim and outrageous. I am more than happy to reply to sane messages. I am here to date and find a great girl and not spend all my days emailing back and forth!

Mr BAFTA's Emails
Mr BAFTA contacted me, with the specific request of a scheduled call! I obliged...intrigued with the potentially refreshing and direct approach (Mr Cerealman is proof enough that endless emails and even telephone banter does not provide fruity foreplay for a fun date). So 56 minutes later Mr BAFTA has invited me to his house for dinner this evening. Get this he is sending a chauffeur driven car to pick me up! Excitement and anticipation of a red carpet arrival at a gated mansion in the Cheshire countryside whetted my appetite to waterfall levels - the reality was a water feature that a failing executive would have on his desk!!!

The Date
Gerry, the driver is outside, holding the rear passenger door open for me. As I sit back on the leather seat and select a DVD to pass the time, I am wondering if this one could be it! Mr Right?

Mr BAFTA had instructed me that I was to tell the driver that I was I going for an audition to be a "singing nun" in the Sound of Music. I can't sing and I'm no nun, but curiosity breeds brilliance and How do you solve a problem like Maria? lalalala!

Picture this, turning down a winding country lane I'm expecting the electric gates any second. We pull up to what I imagine to be the gate house and then Gio's words bring me crashing back down to earth we've arrived. As he reverses the car into the narrow driveway that is barely big enough for one car. Dreams of being driven up a sweeping gravel driveway and then swept right off my feet are SHATTERED as I step out of the car and 2 steps to the cottage (note not mansion) front, and only, door!!! Mr BAFTA greets me with an air kiss on both cheeks, Gio is dismissed and the date begins. I try to hide my disappointment of no East or West wing or Butler...

Mr BAFTA has clearly had a few beers prior to my arrival, he pours me a large glass of very cheap plonk and all I can focus on is the fact that there is no table and chairs in this relatively spacious kitchen in their place is a vile looking cross trainer!!! My attention is then drawn to the flashing red, yellow, blue and green lighting that creates a disco dance floor effect with a blue aga! The grand (or should that be not so grand) tour came next.


Mr BAFTA seemed proud to divert my gaze to the garden and his hot tub! Next is a snug area with a well-lit Rrolf Harris naked woman canvas. A copy. Mr BAFTA claims to have an £80K original, but he doesn't hang it in his house for security reasons, I ask him what's the point of having it then? He tells me his pension is 20 cases of vintage red wine held in a cellar in London. Hey if it's anything like this paint stripper, I'm drinking, old age is gunna hit him hard! We move on.

Mr BAFTA's lounge is full of framed photographs of Mr BAFTA. Mr BAFTA, clutching a BAFTA with various television personalities. It suddenly dawns on me that there is one thing missing, the BAFTA itself. Surely if you have been successful enough to win a BAFTA, such a prestigious award, it would take pride of place on the mantelpiece? How silly of me, for security reasons, it must be with the wine and the Rrolf Harris. I wonder if photoshop has anything to do with this little ensemble.

Back in the kitchen Mr BAFTA serves up some nibbles. He takes a serrated knife from the block and sprays it with Mr Sheen, wipes it with kitchen roll and gives me a sinister stare. This isn't funny, it's weird. I'm glad I've arranged a get away car for later! I ask Mr BAFTA why he is internet ating and what's more, why me? Surely he must surrunded by WAGS and glamorous women to date. He laughs and tells me he's been through all of them in the area. He then asks me if my friends would think I was a slapper to rock up to his house! Mr BAFTA knows how to shower a girl with compliments. Mr BAFTA calls me "babe" continually...I tell him I don't like it. Slapper...Pig...what next?

Dinner is served! Mr BAFTA has a oyster white round marble dining room table with at least 8 chairs. 7 of which are still in the plastic covers! How bizarre. 1 chair is uncovered and this is Mr BAFTA's chair. I'm getting a feeling that this is where Hannibal Lecter could sit. Anyway it's irrelevant as Mr BAFTA and me are dining on our laps, complete with a re-run of only Fools and Horses! Visions of luxury, romance and being woo-ed, wined and dined are out the window! I'm now looking forward to going home! You can't buy style, taste or class, BAFTA or no BAFTA!

Mr BAFTA returns from the kitchen, with a costume change into shorts and a T shirt? What the feck? The shorts I notice as he sprawls out on his sofa, while I am sat on the floor at his feet, hierarchy check?! have a hole in the crotch area. Oh dear.....oh dear! i tell him, he doesn't seem particularly concerned and it's not surprising as what he does next is rather alarming. Mr BAFTA, who is clearly worse for wear, pulls his shorts down and shows me his penis and says "What do I think of that?" He grabs my hair and tries to kiss me. I dodge him and right on cue there is a knock at the door.

Mr BAFTA is surprised my driver found his house, me too, blink and you'll miss this one...anyhoo relief reigns as I clamber into the get away car and leave what could have become the Cheshire Chainsaw Massacre to it. There's a thought...perhaps he'll upgrade to an Oscar with that perfomance! Still searching....