Mr Funny Photo

44 year old; never married; young son; 5ft 7in; bald; blue eyes; best feature butt (apparently!); creative; quirky; runs his own business.

Mr Funny Photo's Email

I opened my inbox, and an image of a geeky teacher from the 1970s was staring back at me....ugly, NHS glasses; basin style hair cut; bad skin and just a totally and utterly unattractive man. My initial response was to hit delete and not even read the email, as I just thought weirdo alert. However as I clicked through the other photos which were of Mr Funny Photo's torso and at work I felt intrigued and once I'd read his email I responded.

Dear Madam

I wish to apply for the position advertised.

I am hard working and clean living. I have City and Guilds in usage of the washing machine, the iron and a NVQ of usage of the vacuum cleaner level 2, hence further training is not required. I have been told that I can iron creases so sharp if I fell over I could cut the grass.

My previous employers have fully trained me in opening doors; application of aftershave; showering regularly; closing the toilet seat and bed making. I feel these and other skills make me a prime candidate for the job advertised.

Don’t let the year of manufacture put you off, it runs like a machine at least 20 years younger and external input of illicit substances is not required as I run on “high” most of the time. I work out at least 3 times per week and therefore can take the riggers of all and any jobs that my new employer suggests dealing with stress easily.
I work extremely well as part of a two-person team but equally I can work as part of a group or happily can be left on my own.
My loyalty to my new employer is beyond question even if a few of my past employers have struggled with this facet.
I have acquired a sense of humour from the University of Life which is based in the Midlands at which I studied “gallows humour” and passed out with a 2;1 Master’s degree.
My alcohol consumption is quite low and infrequent, the problem being my temperament when under the influence. I tend to end up sans clothing, running up the street singing "I’m Merlin the happy pig" and can often be found clinging to the top of lamp-posts, so any potential employer is required to be aware of this factory fault.
Apart from this I own my own house, motorbike, dog and all of my teeth, I also have a part ownership in a “mini-me” he will be five in December. I am of course solvent thus requiring, no input of finances from any future employer.

Please give advice if an interview place is forth coming.

PS The geography supply teacher picture is required to be looked at with a large pinch of salt

Thanking you in advance.

My Response

Subject: Interview

Congratulations your application has been successful and you, ***** have been selected for 1st stage interview with THE BOSS!

1st interview - full details to follow

Date - ******* are you spontaneous, enough?

Venue - ********

RSVP Limited places, actually only 1 place available!

The Date

Coming Soon!!!