I left my Husband on Halloween...

I left my husband on Halloween...very apt on reflection, although I didn't need a broomstick...I had been unhappy for some time, at least a year...and the initial niggling doubt over our future and the state of our destructive relationship had grown and blossomed into an overwhelming feeling that I had to extricate myself from the relationship. Cinders about to turn into pumpkin as the clock struck midnight moment.

He was never going to leave me, why would he, he did what he wanted, when he wanted and had his cake and boy did he eat it. I tried everything sitting at the kitchen table for the "talk", offers of compromise, the tears, the silent treatment, I smashed a few plates, tore up some of our photos, until there was no-where else to go. No matter what I did or didn't do there was little or no reaction from him. He was emotionally closed, cold and distant and I was becoming increasingly needy, clingy and child-like and I hated it, I felt vulnerable and unstable. He wasn't going to change. He wasn't going to stop taking cocaine and drinking alot. He had made it crystal clear that he didn't want children with me or anyone and I guess I realised I was living with a rebellious Irish teenager. A great guy to go prop up the bar with for a raucious night on the town but not marriage material. Hindsight smacking me in the face! Hindsight explains the injury that foresight would have prevented...now you tell me!!!

What's the saying? Live with wolves - learn to howl. And I was Mrs Werewolf let me tell you, full moon, half moon, honeymoon, button moon!!! I mean I didn't have a hairy chest or back (still don't for that matter, wax lyrical baby!) but I could scrap in the pack with the best of them - survival instincts kicked in. I was an inner Mrs Werewolf...the inner strength and determination was growing and growing...

The turning point came when I caught a reflection of myself in a shop mirror, I froze and paced back for a second glance, as I did not recognise the woman staring back at me. She looked attractive, sophisticated and a sorted 30-something, but it was her eyes. Those chestnut eyes were sad and empty and they'd lost their spark and shine. I felt tears well up in that shop that day. On the outside I hid it well but deep down inside me I was totally lost, lacking in confidence, self esteem, I felt trapped, lonely, oh so very hideously lonely and disappointed. My marriage did not look like other peoples. My life did not look like I wanted it to. I had moulded myself around my husband in some ways. I'd even nicknamed him Georgie, as in George Best, which we laughed about in the early years. Georgie the character though, grew larger than life and lost it's humour for me, bender after bender and I craved Captain Sensible to rock up and rescue me!

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered" (George Best)

There were times I felt I couldn't change him, so I joined him, acted just like him, joined his gang just to try to feel part of something, connected, wanted. But those nights that went on until the sun came up didn't make me happy. I was kidding myself, tricking myself into believing we were having a great time, and I was always on the perimeter, the understudy and after thought as Georgie was the leading man.

The frustration that built up over a year before I left was pouring out of me. I knew I had to leave but I wasn't clear how to execute the plan. Not until Halloween of all days. I love Halloween. I love the pumpkins..the candles...the costumes...and I threw a party to celebrate! And then I was gone...puff....and I never ever went back. No trick...no treat...I was serious...scared but serious.

Between friends, family and of course the infamous dates, I really enjoy my own company now and I have developed interests, creative interests that lay dormant before. Gosh I was existing, but I wasn't really living and I wasn't me. Me had disappeared....and now she's back...and she's alive and kicking!!! All singing...all dancing...all dating!

I now know what I don't want from a man - I hope that I would spot it a mile off, the addictive personality, the wild streak that can never be tamed, the charm, the manipulative tendencies, the all or nothing whirlwind that captivated me and made me feel the most important girl alive and hopelessly in love. And then just hopeless!

That is how it started, I fell hook, line, sinker and then some for my ex husband. He rocked my world and I couldn't believe he wanted me. I fancied him, I liked him, I loved him, I adored him. I remember telling him I wanted to eat his face, the desire was so strong that we almost couldn't get close enough. But what should have been a passionate wild affair...infatuation even...should not have been one year later walking down the aisle to Norah Jones Come Away With Me. And for five years we tried, well we tried and then we stopped trying and we ripped it and each other apart slowly, unravelled and destroyed it all.

I went out with my ex-husband when I was at college for a couple of months. We always remembered each other because we had sex in a Cathedral. Notorious, eh! We had sex together in the silent prayer chapel whilst a carol service was going on in 1993. He was the popular, good looking maverick at college. He bagged all the girls, he was gregarious, fun, mad and everyone wanted a piece of him. He wore a canary yellow overcoat for goodness sake. He wanted to be noticed and he was. When he asked me out for a coffee I couldn't believe he was interested in me. And he wasn't for long, a few more liaisons after our stint with the church and that was it. So when through friendsreunited he got back in touch 10 years later it was like a bolt out of the blue. I was transported back to the ditsy, insecure teenager that drooled over him on the college bus. I cried my heart out when he dumped me all those years ago. I remember playing Beverley Craven "You're playing love scenes without me and she's got my role" in my bedroom at full blast, blarting into the pillow with adolescent, hormonal and irrational thoughts of not being able to go on another day.

We arranged to meet up in Harvey Nicks for old times sake. He walked in, pin stripe suit, same blue eyes, black hair, dashing good looks, he looked like a movie star to me and within an hour we were rubbing noses, holding hands and I was giggling like a teenager. Within one month I'd called off my engagement (to a very stable, solvent, sensible man, I regrettably broke his heart and ego, blinded by love, lust, rose coloured teenage spectacles, who knows) and we had moved in together. For the next year we were totally obsessed and engrossed in one another and I really believed I had found it. True love that would last a life time. We didn't even have a television because he told me he never wanted to be one of those couples who were ruled by a box in the corner of room with nothing to say each other. We listened to music, read books to each other, drank red wine, sat by the roaring fire, played board games and we talked about everything and anything and had alot of great sex! He had an ability, at that time, to make even the simplest of events so special. I was besotted.

Experts say falling in love is like a mental illness, a sickness and it was...I felt sick to be away from him and even when I first left on Halloween the months that ensued were heart breaking, gut wrenching. I missed him...no, I missed what I wanted him to be so badly. I remember feeling so sad that we wouldn't be growing old together, we weren't going to embark on the wonderous journey of having children and in time grand children. I had failed.

You can't change people.

A leopard can't change it's spots and a tiger can't change it's stripes...one can't change one's essential nature, particularly negative characteristics.

Still searching for second time around hook, line and sinker love and laughter but not with Mr Trick...only Mr Treats may apply for this once in a lifetime job!!!